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Feeling like it's never enough
Finished researching & wrote giant post, decent but slobby. i had more complex thoughts about the ways that cuban journalism venerates dead writers (still thinking of roque dalton and "viejuemierda" poem which takes exactly that concept and eviscerates it, exposes it) i think my past self with more capacity to juggle and etc. might have written that extra bit... on another blog maybe... but my thoughts on dalton will have to wait.
worked on delicious api stuff and read my own php code and re-figured it out, mostly. now i want to rewrite that whole thing. i see how to make it better. the hard part is mostly process, and whether it will behave like the docs say it will. i can test it tomorrow. I need 2 days of tagging to be able to test it right.
met with my new boss to explain some of that.
didn't have to drive to Richmond after all to arrange things, it's going to happen all over the phone. i might go meet with them later in the week or next week. It can happen without my going there.
picked moomin up and took him to dance class. i hate rushing around. he had a good class. i ate dinner and read Liar instead of watching the class or trying to work.
made moomin a half assed dinner and watched some youtube music videos with him. he told me about the Dragonlance books (lol).
did the intro to cs readings, lecture, and homework. it seems perfect, i always feel like i lack the formal education and some kind of understanding or foundation that other people have. it felt sort of triumphal to be doing a class from MIT like a big fuck you to the world... here's hoping i can stick with it but if i can't i could re-join the group doing it in january.
finished reading Liar. a good book! I will give it to lucidyouth! She wants readers and commenters so give her some comments and answer her quizzes!
regretting not posting about the AXIS performance from my notes but i ran out of juice. still tempted to try. but i'm tired.
the poems i didn't type yet... the translation i haven't finished (mala piel, so good!) the poems i want to put together into a book...
i feel lately like i can't do enough but that i'm run ragged. i wish i didn't expect so much of myself. could i just chill, please? but no. i list the things i did in the day and they don't seem like enough. i feel a panicky feeling. i don't want to sleep yet! i'm not done! i want to keep going and do something else.. something magical that would really *count* .. then i realize how bad this train of thought is and am appalled at myself. isn't anything ever enough? i'm so stressed. which means driving myself more and harder to fill up the space and prove something to myself. i feel bad about myself right now and need distraction. and i want to do so many things. i can taste them.. i can see them... i think them out and want to make them real to get them out of my head! the stuff i haven't written over the last week or so is a torment.
other days i might just be like ... meh... i did this one thing. enough! or, that one thing might be doing 1 load of laundry. and i have to be okay with that and make myself deal with it. The memory of those days drives me extra hard.
worked on delicious api stuff and read my own php code and re-figured it out, mostly. now i want to rewrite that whole thing. i see how to make it better. the hard part is mostly process, and whether it will behave like the docs say it will. i can test it tomorrow. I need 2 days of tagging to be able to test it right.
met with my new boss to explain some of that.
didn't have to drive to Richmond after all to arrange things, it's going to happen all over the phone. i might go meet with them later in the week or next week. It can happen without my going there.
picked moomin up and took him to dance class. i hate rushing around. he had a good class. i ate dinner and read Liar instead of watching the class or trying to work.
made moomin a half assed dinner and watched some youtube music videos with him. he told me about the Dragonlance books (lol).
did the intro to cs readings, lecture, and homework. it seems perfect, i always feel like i lack the formal education and some kind of understanding or foundation that other people have. it felt sort of triumphal to be doing a class from MIT like a big fuck you to the world... here's hoping i can stick with it but if i can't i could re-join the group doing it in january.
finished reading Liar. a good book! I will give it to lucidyouth! She wants readers and commenters so give her some comments and answer her quizzes!
regretting not posting about the AXIS performance from my notes but i ran out of juice. still tempted to try. but i'm tired.
the poems i didn't type yet... the translation i haven't finished (mala piel, so good!) the poems i want to put together into a book...
i feel lately like i can't do enough but that i'm run ragged. i wish i didn't expect so much of myself. could i just chill, please? but no. i list the things i did in the day and they don't seem like enough. i feel a panicky feeling. i don't want to sleep yet! i'm not done! i want to keep going and do something else.. something magical that would really *count* .. then i realize how bad this train of thought is and am appalled at myself. isn't anything ever enough? i'm so stressed. which means driving myself more and harder to fill up the space and prove something to myself. i feel bad about myself right now and need distraction. and i want to do so many things. i can taste them.. i can see them... i think them out and want to make them real to get them out of my head! the stuff i haven't written over the last week or so is a torment.
other days i might just be like ... meh... i did this one thing. enough! or, that one thing might be doing 1 load of laundry. and i have to be okay with that and make myself deal with it. The memory of those days drives me extra hard.