badgerbag

Wrapping my head around the day. Need to dispel frantic out of control (yet loafish procrastinatory) feeling.

- moomin school etc (flubbed entire morning, sent kid to school with finger smashed in door, stomache ache, and no breakfast, without having found "literary luminaries" packet and without lunchbox. how???)

- meet rook at bank (done!)

- clean house a bit and organize things

- take a shower?? omfg.

- poke at work (add accounts? help desk? somethign small and not mindblowing)

- quick, take moomin's lunch to him (when do they have lunch????)

- with all the laundry and a grocery list

- do the laundry
- get groceries at Traitr Joe
- work (going easy on things again)

- meet that one guy for lunch? god... too much! will cancel

- mail packages? OLPC to Haiti, books to Sharrow, poetry books to David M.

- work super hard to make up for morning of errands (Though, stupidly worked like 14 hours yesterday so, fuck)

- pick up moomin, take him to dance class. take him out to pizza? so tired.

- collapse

* Write up more stuff for geekfeminism on the conference
* Take a shower (ugh, cold)
* Grog
* Collapse
* Send Carmen B. some kind of writeup of explanations of her poems

Not necessarily in that order.

Tomorrow is She's Geeky! I'm too tired to go, but am going anyway! I might collapse by Sunday. Can I make it? When will there be rest?

9am-9:30am check "resolved" bugs and mark fixed or unfixed (did it till after 10)
9:30-10:15 dig into php/ delicious bug. can i replicate it Fixed! from 12:30pm to 2pm. Checked the working fix 2:20-3.
10:30ish go to bad moms coffee had super nice lunch
11ish go do laundry, work from laundromat. Pull blogs for spidering and start them going
1pm-ish That will be done. go home. eat some chicken stew, take brief nap (Did not nap. Talked on phone with zond7 instead.)
1:30 check resolved bugs again and mark them. read screenlogs from the effed up install.
(Spider had stalled so here, I restarted it)
3ish get moomin from school (was 4-ish)
till 5pm: Go look at issue queue for drupal 6 for some module (NOT 7 yet) and pick something to try and fix. (Did not do this, got M. at 4 and took him to dance class)



New plan will include 2 hours per week of seriously looking at issues on drupal.org, reviewing patches or trying to actually fix something and submit patches

I think i might need to quit otw committee, work is too stressful and demanding, launch didn't happen and is going to land on me a lot for th enext month or two, and i want to write up too much about conferences and submit new conference talks. sad but i am going to focus on the conference stuff a bit more instead of doing it half assed. i have to look at all the things i want to do this year. I need to finish translating at least one giant poem, and print one tiny book/poetry broadsheet/zine thingie, by fall, and maintain the hackability blog better, to feel happy with myself, so i need to manage resources better and quit some things. there is also electronics and boating.

So much to say! But my energy is a bit taken up at the moment

- all the rest of the conferences, quick before the new conference this weekend overlays it in my mind

- news bureaus and info desks out of corner shops, local news idea

- taxi medallion thing in sf with pics and links

- so much more. can't remember! argh!

amusing bits from Etiquette for Every Day by Mrs. Humphry ("Madge" of "Truth", author of "Manners for Men" &c.)

The Englishman trains himself from boyhood to a stern self-repression. He will show no feeling if he can help it...An Englishman occasionally drops this superficial stoicism when he finds himself outside the ordinary routine of life.... Of course, a true Englishman would naturaly regard himself with contempt if he ever permitted himself to look really amiable or pleased. Except in a tete-a-tete with a pretty woman, or while enjoying a good game of romps with children, such a thing would be thoroughly bad form. It is one of 'Arry's social mistakes that he grins when he is pleased, and wears a chronic smile if he happen to be a good-natured man. The men of our class and upwards refrain from any such inane exhibition, especially when at home, dans leur ile.
It is amusing to watch an English boy whlie at the adolescent period of life, mastering this accomplishment. He perceives that his male elders have cultivated what Carlyle called a cheerful stoicism. They listen to the funniest story without a smile, unless the narrator is a person whom they rejoice to honour or like to please. They make hteir greetings without relaxing an iota of the gravity which serves them as a mask. The boy, in imitating them, suffers many an inward spasm in endeavoring to render his emotions outwardly invisible. He catches himself smiling at something lucidrous, but immediately conquers himself as he sees that his elders are grave of demeanour. If he should so far forget himself as to exhibit any pleasure or animation in circumstances where it would be only natural to do so, but in which the seniors set an example of undemonstrative calm, he whips himself inwardly with a lash of self-scorn. During his transition period he despises women and girls because they laugh when they are amused, and sometimes cry when they are distressed. He would rather hurt the feelings of his mother or sisters than make the slightest display of gratitude or kindliness...
He is not only learning to don his mask, but he is undergoing the weary process of making it. After awhile, he will emerge all right, and will love his women-folk all the more...
But when an Englishman is abroad, basking under blue skies, and breathed upon by balmy airs, he puts partly aside his mask of gravity and sternness. He wears an almost genial air, and when it occurs to him to say a pleasant thing, he actually says it, instead of "thinking better of it."
A gentleman never takes a front seat in his own carriage, or in any other person's, if a lady is seated with her back to the horses. Even if she is "only the governess"...

How painful and horrible! But these books always spell out what we seem to absorb and then have to decode today.

(I missed the very beginning)

Lower the barriers to entry
Document your coding styles and conventions
Explain something more than twice ? your docs need fixing.
Log bugs for everything, no matter how small
Hosted dev en. We have 70 people on our dreamhacks.
People don't have to spend time installing, it's been done for them. show up and start working.
Clearly defined channels for coding help. IRC channels, mailing lists, contacts for projects or areas of code
Put your project through the "typo test".
Fix a typo. What do you have to do to fix it? How lng will it take a new contributor to figure out how to submit this typo patch and see the change committed and in place?




Set clear expectations:
- document, document, document.
- uphold a code of conduct or diversity statements. http://dreamwidth.org/legal/diversity
- give people goals to work towards
- create a culture where teaching is expected
- foster a sese of social reward for collaboration, not competition.

At first, Mark spent maybe 5 hours a week coding, he spent way more time teaching, getting other people going. Now that's changed and his time is freed up to code.

Denise: this shows the importance of your project culture. what is expected, what's okay and what's not okay. it's important for us to put out a social environment where collaboration is rewarded. check your ego at the door. people need a sense of approval for helping other people.


So many people liked Dreamwidth's diversity statement that it's top result on searches. It's creative commons licensed so please go ahead and use it if you like.

- Explicitly state we're interested in all sorts of contributors. Level of experience, background, stage of life, we want you, we make that clear and we want you to have the tools to contribute.

Giving people goals. Everyone wants to see things get done. (I remember this being very inspiring/exciting with the bugs that blocked launch.)

Quote from a developer "I wrote a patch! it's live on DW now!"

Keep it moving: people have short attention spans. really!
- work in steps and iterate: break tasks down.
- Manage your review queue: don't let patches rot, even if this means you get less coding time.
- Shut down bikeshed arguments quickly.
- Be as available as you possibly can

(I agree with breaking down tasks and bugs into tiny steps!)

Contributors moving through the review queue will eventually start reviewing other people's patches.

Bikeshedding. People can argue about what color to paint the bikeshed for months and years while they wouldn't necessarily argue about something more important.

Empower your community to make decisions, don't micromanage. Down the road if it turns out to be wrong or you don't like it people can change it.

Being available. We are all busy, it's hard, hard to find time to respond to bug mail every couple of days. People like to know they're being listened to. Otherwise why spend my time on it? we want to know we're being heard and feel like we matter.

"I like that everybody cooperates and it's really supportive, ... if you've had a crappy day you won't be laughed at."

Teambuilding is not a dirty word.
- everyond is allowed to make mistakes
- bug tickets are not flaws: they are chances to improve your product
- keep process open: no mysterious inner circles
- code ownership is dangerous!
- don't value big patches over little ones, place equal values on feature development, cleanup, refactoring, documentation, training

Keeping the process open. People can be senior or experienced contributors, great. but everyone should know what the decision making process is, how they can get somethnig changed, how to get a feature added. Community discussion for feature discussions then add to bug list.

Why code ownership is dangerous. we need people to understand the complicated stuff in depth. they must be stewards and not territorial. not driving people away because they like full control or they enjoy power.

About valuing patches. Yay, 3000 line patches with unit tests, documentation, code comments, and it's just what you wanted. Hurray! But little touches are very important. little interface enhancements, clarifications. They have a disproportionatly huge effect on your project! Don't ignore the little contributions, cleanup, refactoring, the less glorious parts of open source development. they also help contributors get invested in the project. scratching someone's little itch, they deal with people's particular accessiblility issues. thus your software over time becomes more accessible.

favorite moment. one moment in irc, someone submitted a much-wanted bug, there was cheering, someone said they get paid at work but no cheering squad.

THE single solitary individual exclusive lone uttermost thing to do!

RESPECT

People thrive on being in the loop
Never reject a patch without explaining
Never reject only for style reasons
Fire toxic people and moderate social channels
Never say no without a reason and an alternative
Keep asking yourself: "Is this answer bullshit?"

Denise: I learned Perl like 6, 9, months ago. with no CS background. Mark takes my patches and does a code review and fixes my quotemarks.

Toxic people. people you mention and people go "Oh, yah. THEM." you need to have a little bit of control over those people. we are social creatures. If we don't provide a social outlet on our project, they'll make one anyway.

Denise says hi to the peopel on IRC. They all say Hi!!!!!!!!!

People have really good bullshit detectors. So if you have a project culture of always being honest with people, your community will respect you because they know you're not lying when you tell them no and why you're saying no.

"I think i've found a new home. kinda cool."

three things you can start doing right now to improve the environment and process of project right now.

Freshman orientation. Appoint a welceomer and laud newcomers' first contributions. this is different from a community manager. Sophie who sets up the Dreamhack dev envs. Patient, question-answering. It's a lot of work but once you have a thriving community they will start doing it for each other. Empower this person to do stuff and fix things and answer questions and make decisions.

Ping? Pong! Stop timing out on communication when people need responses from you. IRC, bugzilla, even a short note. i got your mail, i will think about it, i'll get back to you. Get back to people within an hour or two even if you don't have a complete answer.

Problem Child. Have words with "that person" and let them know their behavior is not okay. Let them know their behavior is driving people away. the problem children and toxic people are allowed sometimes to take over the methods of communication. you as the leader can sit down with that code of conduct and ask them to tone down what they're doing just a little. If you do that, first of all it shows to the rest of your community that you are treating them with respect. Second it shows to your problem child that you are expecting them to be an element of respect in all the communications because we're all working together.

Questions are coming!

Q: what if you are there because you love the tech and not the community or people? they just want to code. what can we do to change people's idea about that?

Mark: it's a mental realignment, if your priority is make tech, okay, that's your goal. if your goal like us is to build contributor community, you have to deal with them as people. initial sacrifice of my time but personally i think it's worth it.

Denise: you don't need 100% universal buy in from your contributor base. we have people who just hack and work on the insanely complicated stuff. you need a balance of people people and tech people. let people know they dont have to be touchy feeling all the time, they just at the very least should avoid pissing people off. that's a good start.

Q: i love hearing about communities. but your slides were contradictory, they say do this do that, avoid hierarchy, but shut down the bikeshedding and kick out problem child. how do you deal with that contradiction.

Denise: every ship needs one captain. projects need a leader to make decisions and make sure things are moving along. our point with avoiding hierarchy is that you as the project leader are available to people and fostering the community, promoting people in the community up to contributors.

Mark: we want to avoid a closed community.

Gee, I never thought of that

HOld me... i'm full of arrrrrgh...

Oh the mansplanationing!

I will be on a plane to new zealand tomorrow as the "cyberwar" continues to unfold. The word sounds silly... But my reaction to google's announcement was similar to the emotional impact of watching a declaration of war. I don't know and can't know what's really going on or its complexities because that kind of stuff only seems to be revealed in history many years later. But it's a big thing and it could go a lot of ways.

Google's official post. "We have decided we are no longer willing to continue censoring our results on Google.cn, and so over the next few weeks we will be discussing with the Chinese government the basis on which we could operate an unfiltered search engine within the law, if at all. We recognize that this may well mean having to shut down Google.cn, and potentially our offices in China."

google threatens to leave China (Good article from China Digital Times with real translations of some of the twittering from China)

google puts its foot down

https is now the default for Gmail

blogher's news roundup earlier today - my comment there explains how to get quick, easy, though inaccurate, English translations of twitter searches.

Interesting but likely not related directly to Google and who knows if actually by the same people who messed with Twitter:

Baidu hacked by 'Iranian cyber army'

Suddenly it is becoming U.S. state dept. policy to fight censorship on the Internet and support net freedom: "U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will announce a technology policy next week to help citizens in other countries gain access to an uncensored Internet, a Clinton adviser told Reuters."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to inform you that you've been diagnosed with... Genital Color Loss."
"Nooooooooo!"
"But don't worry, there's a totally fucked up 'beauty industry' product to dye your inner labia a 'youthful pink'. "

Yes you heard me! There is a labia dye product that preys on women's insecurity and, amazingly, manages to increase sexual commodification just one more notch.

Waxing, butthole bleach, labial reduction surgery. Now this!

Q. “I used to be so “Pink” and healthy looking on my inside Labia Lip area. Now I am losing that fresh look. Is there anything I can do”?

A. Yes, now there is a solution! “My New Pink Button” is a Cosmetic Dye especially for the woman's genital area, to help restore that healthy vibrant Rosy color. Until now there has never been a solution for restoring natural pigment. This is a concern with many women and more than you can even imagine, and a frequent question that Physicians are asked. Check out the blogs on the Internet. You are not alone! This is a common problem and we now have a simple and safe solution, restoring sexual confidence to Women everywhere!

Q. “Where do I put it exactly”?

A. Please see our detailed instructions with the self-explanatory diagrams. Its easy as 1-2-3!

Personally i also think that pink button site is missing a marketing opportunity. They need a sort of social network site where you upload a photo of your inner pussy lips and morph them with various kinds of dye. There could also be a chart with a spectrum of cunt colors (aroused and non aroused) for you to rate yourself and compare to your friends! Awesome!

In college I dated this guy who tried to convince me that my labia were abnormal and maybe I could get that surgically corrected. Thank god I told him to fuck off and that he was an idiot! But seriously, do people usually express opinions about your labia color and size and conformation? Or what?

It was news to many people at bad mom's coffee this morning that our labia -- those slippery little chameleons! -- change color over time.

If only they had Alien Green and Gothy Black dye I might accept it as strangely decorative or as ironic commentary.

Anyway. Must stop blogging. I have an intimate date with a hot pink Sharpie marker. I wouldn't want anyone to think even for a second that my labia are a day over 18.

Meanwhile you can all go buy the Cunt Coloring Book by Tee Corinne. That would be a much nicer way to color some coochie.

xmas eve hung out at my sister's with her and Vim and Mr. Pants, Moomin, Rook, Zond-7. We opened a bunch of presents and ate some kind of fancy beef dish with mushrooms that Vim made. My crockpot bread pudding came out AWESOME.

Crockpot bread pudding:

- most of a loaf of cream cheese bread, chopped small (or any bread, but extra fancy bread is good)
- 4 eggs
- 5 cups milk
- 5 or 6 bananas
- vanilla
- rum (about 1/2 cup)
- dried cranberries
- chocolate chips

I let it cook too long on high during dinner. It was even nicer during the tasting phase when it was slightly soggy with rum.

Moomin liked his magnets, tshirts (robot manatee, octopus with loch ness monster puppet, star trek silkscreen) and science kits and lego stuff! I got a fluffy pirate bathrobe, a lot of chocolates, a wifi card for my camera, and the best book in the world (Queen of Whale Cay).

Went over to damned_colonial's house for flaming punch and mince pies and hanging around. The flaming punch was AMAZING. met infinity and muse, who i only knew online!

xmas morning i got up and went over to the house. rook made us pancakes. more present-opening. my parents' presents for Moomin were particularly great. My mom got just the clothes i suggested for him... perfect... and some more sciencey kits including the electronics one i thought of getting him but didn't. and snap-tite star wars model kits. i took Moomin and Rook to the airport for their trip to NYC to see family and then I headed up to SF.

we decided to see sherlock holmes and ended up driving to sausalito, looking at the boats for a couple of hours, then had thai food & saw the movie. on all the boat ramps I had the silly impulse to explain to everyone passing by, "Um! ACTUALLY... I live on a boat TOO." Did not do that. gazed at boats and imagined my perfect (and more accessible) houseboat. hey, I could just hoist myself aboard with a bosun's chair, right?

I liked the Sherlock Holmes movie! Yay, bartitsu! I'm sure I could find plenty to critique but as it was I just leered at the screen a lot! Then watched the dr. who xmas special and liked that too. I htink the Time Lords are inside The Master's mind. I don't have a great explanation for wilf's non-humanness.

Since xmas I've been going through all my things and trashing a lot of them. Moved some books to zond7's house and some to the boat. The boat is much homier to my soul with books in it. My sister and zond7 helped and my sister stayed over in the boat in Moomin's bedroom. I spaced out a lot and felt variously upset but kept my head together. It was helpful to have people with me. Also, while I got super tired and am having trouble with my tonsils and a headache and my shoulder/neck thing is acting up, and my legs about to fall the fuck off, I not only walked a lot and did a lot of sorting and packing, but have not completely destroyed myself in the process. I think the slow pacing has helped. I'm still walking okay, limping more over the course of the day, needing the wheelchair if I'm going very far, but hanging in.

Meanwhile, a lot of the house is clearer. Most of the bookshelves and books are still there but it's like... less overwhelming and cluttered. I cleared out the main closet and the closet-that-is-really-a-bathroom, moving all my things to the bathroom-shower-closet and Rook's to the main closet. At this point if Rook wanted me to put my stuff in storage, I could do that with some efficiency and paid help. But it might make more sense to consolidate it or leave it on the bookshelves as I gradually reduce the volume.

All my fancy boots and shoes are going to lucidyouth along with cocktail dress and gothy ball gowns. I kept my 4 pairs of differently awesome converse, my giant furry mukluks, the red combat boots, crocs, and the 2 pairs of fluevog boots and shoes that I wear almost every day. Not surea bout the point of the converse, i just had a hard time throwing them out: black leather, dark red leather, red plaid, black with pink, plain black.

The boat is still lovely! I'm enjoying it! as soon as i'm a bit more settled in and have 2 working bathrooms instead of one, you are all invited to come stay in my houseboat. just not all at once.

What I need here is a future career as an eccentric social media consultant/ writers' retreat/ bed and breakfast proprietor but it would have to be only the sort of people who want to be at a somewhat messy bed and breakfast in a somewhat squalid marsh/wet parking lot in a boat that doesn't actually go anywhere. Still, the light in the morning on the water & the reflections of everything is spectacular! And someday soon there will be a working dinghy and a canoe. (With which to view the squalor and splendor of the marsh from right up close.)

I have an enormous nautical chart book that explains our slough and islands and port along with the entire bay area!

There's a lot to learn about boats, navigating, boat maintenance, and so on, and i was thinking in Sausalito that a boat provides a focus for a lot of different areas of knowledge and skill & the application of the knowledge results in a sort of further edge condition, ie, possible travel. Even imagining that is nice. Puttering around the slough this year... maybe in a few years exploring the bay and delta.

Simply messing about in boats. poop poop! & so on.

Reading everything nautical. boat books, exploration, hakluyt, the ship essex sunk by a whale.

Why men don't promote women

Some truths there but it's bullshit. Women don't get the same reaction or reward, on the whole, for being pushy or aggressive or promoting themselves.

I'm fine with trying, but there are good reasons more women don't do this, it's because often there are negative consequences and hostility and more exclusion when we do.

There are 30 amps on the circuit. Heaters and the toaster oven, and the crappy low-wattage microwave, are the biggest power eaters and most likely to flip the circuit breakers.

Warm up the bathroom before taking a shower in very cold weather!

Don't flush any toilet paper!

Soap and shampoo and dish soap etc. must be biodegradable. (That means any other products I use should be too which means I need new lotion... I didn't think of that)

The bits of the woodwork where there is a little bit of water damage are now visible to me. Water collects there -- for example the lower corner of the windowsill in the bathroom after you take a shower or if the window is open and it's raining -- so these are good places to wipe down with a rag.

The boat is not mildewy, but I need to test out some ecologically decent anti-mildew things to wipe down a few stained or clearly vulnerable spots on the walls and in the cabinets.

If you climb down into the engine room, shine a flashlight into the holding tank, and turn out the lights, you can see how much room the tank has for toilet flushing before the next twice-a-month pumpout.

Three grocery bags crammed full of laundry is 16 pounds, which with pickup and delivery the next day, is $27.50 for wash and fold. Handy!

For people to find my boat I should think about rigging up some kind of easily identifiable flag.


I've always liked the history of the port in my town and been vaguely aware of the controversies about the houseboat neighborhoods. There is the harbor I'm at, then a much sketchier harbor (that I totally love for its funky vibe) next to the jail, then a new, upscale rather sterile-looking one I didn't know about, next to the fancy office buildings out past the deepwater port, and one which was built in 2003 after being voted down in 2001, from the IAC (evil overlords of southern CA Development) with no live-aboard docks.

My marina needs a little convenience store! If I owned the restaurant I'd run it as a nice community center, little store for food and marine supplies, warm laundromat-cafe-bookstore and brunch hangout with music venue/bar at night. As it is now, it's wasted space and I don't know how they manage to pay the property taxes.

Yesterday I worked pretty diligently from Noisebridge and went to lunch at Poc Chuc with some people from there who were mostly talkng about math. I ended up later that night reading a bunch about knot theory, cruising around in Wikipedia on linking coefficients, crossing number, and writhe. There are wild and tame knots and "unknots". It's over my head but fun to read about!

If you are ever hanging out around 16th and Van Ness I recommend Poc Chuc. all their turkey dishes rock. I had platanos and a panucho, which is a small shredded turkey taco with black bean puree, lemon marinated cabbage, pickled red onions and avocado, and black pepper. Wow, it was perfect and delicious as was everything else I've ever eaten there. The horchata was good, a guy at our table asked for lemonade which they didn't have, but they made it for him fresh; they also made guacamole without tomatoes for some else with a food allergy. I might be obsessed with this restaurant now but won't desert La Taqueria.

At Noisebridge I mostly just worked and didn't do any nb-related labor. It was just so cold and i had too much to do. Next time I will move stuff or organize and wash something or take out the trash. I did get into conversations about solar heating with black water hoses on the roof which was being presented as trivial. It would not be trivial at all, but might be worth trying for a mild improvement in heat in the space. My plan though is just to bring my own butt-warming heating pad for the couch I'm on.

Then late last night I had to cope with a work situation, troubleshoot late at night which was super stressful, but I did figure it out. Whew, and yay? This morning I thought about it more and fixed the problem. NO matter what it was going to inconvenience and mess up some of the work of at least 8-10 people and require me to do a lot of explaining and hand holding and explaining up to management as well. I think what I decided is a decent way to approach it and keep the damage and time wasting to a minimum for the people whose work it affects. Still... 8-(

Going in a bit to RWC to the holiday parade and fireworks. My car is full of stuff (mostly blankets and pillows) for the move tomorrow. I'll have to unload them at squid's house and then take Iz down to the street fair and parade and then watch Moomin int he parade, go to fireworks, meet up some point with Rook and then bring Rook and Iz up to Squid's and go to bed. I plan to have The Last Bath tonight late. Tomorrow morning I will drop off Moomin, move my stuff in and do some organizing, shopping, and settling in. I may or may not find open wireless there. Moomin knows I'm looking for a place but I'm not going to go into it with him till Monday when I pick him up and take him over there. I think, explain it when I get him, then drive over, which limits the amount of time he has to cope with uncertainties and his imagination. He doesn't like uncertainty.

Not one minute goes by without interruption from a kid! Wow! I have to sneak off every so often and regain my composure. Moomin and I have been reading long bits of Dr. Dolittle's Circus at bedtime. He's been playing well with Iz and Mali, and warily stays clear of L. I had a funny moment where I spelled "croissant" and Squid answered cryptically "He already had one". Leelo understood perfectly what we were talking about. That was an eye opener; some of it was context but I also suspect he saw through the spelling. The atmosphere while somewhat chaotic is punctuated by specially developed routine which I find fascinating and running through it all... Squid's quick and dry wit flashing out in the middle of her long explanations to the girls who poke at her to provoke it and then are hypnotically fascinated as they try to decipher whether they're being made fun or not and what information is encoded within (often very complex, just beyond them, which is like candy to their intelligence.) and L. who incredibly trusts her through the times when he is clearly very frustrated. I like the peaceful moment when she plays the totoro theme on a little recorder or flute to him at bedtime (which i only hear from below since the long run of stairs and then hallway after it daunt me) I think I managed not to say anything dirty or bohemian in front of Squid's mom today but it was close.

As Moomin was drifting off to sleep i said "I'd like to take your Dragonology book... I'm going to read it in the bath while eating cake. Gosh, I love being a grownup." Oh the outrage! He thought it was very funny after I explained it was a kind of cake he didn't like.

For his brochure about the human body and its various Systems I suggested several funny ideas - like illustrating it with tiny talking organs a la Cricket magazine - which he rejected until the one where it was a brochure written by aliens for other aliens on the care and health of human pets. He is very worried that Ms. F. would not like it. I swear... that school! Of course they like a creative idea. I don't usually pepper him with suggestions for such things, but hey. If he takes it and runs with it, great. Otherwise hands off! It's not my project!

This Saturday his dance class is performing in the "hometown holiday" parade which is our town's attempt to bring some holiday shopping action into downtown -- the 4th of july parade is very popular here. There's a street market, a field of snow, a parade (where we used to just join since it isn't all that formal) and incredibly great little fireworks *right next to the library*. It is hard for me to stick with the fireworks part from a wheelchair in an enormous crowd in the street but we'll figure out a spot and stick in one place off to the side. I think the spot under the giant tree by city hall should be okay. I'm going to bring Iz to the parade to give her mom a break. Keeping in mind she's working like 30 hours a week.

I worked today from Main St. (having wormed out the password) & had a very good cosy chat with M. about our lives. She's very interesting! We have some similarities that I didn't expect. When I go there I think of the role I played at my co-op as I would run a cooking crew and bring out bowls of steaming food in a motherly way. Though for me it was just dabbling in a role and for her it seems to be the history of her life and of course, her business for years.

Tomorrow I think working from my sister's house! She is sewing a million spats or something for her bazaar! and i will set up selenium and run test tests. Then haul ass back here to pick up M. and take him to dance lesson if he isn't too tired from the "Lap-a-thon". He will make $10 per lap with pledges from a bunch of us! Last year he ran 18 laps.

I feel a little more fired up to blog but am emotionally really strange and a bit messed up. Moomin steadies me though. It is very cheering to be here. if i were staying much longer I would buy that 50 foot ethernet cable and plug in my airport express so i could have internet in bed.

Walking pretty decently, especially today - I walked through a store, and stayed off my cane almost all the time in the house even though it's a huge house, with a few periods of lying down when my leg started being horrible. I think it helped that the weather was amazing. I picked Moomin up right after school so he could play on the back porch, trampoline, and explore the yard while I worked on the porch. It was nice to be here in daylight.



The view this morning as the sun came up across the bay ... spectacular. Moomin mused about the sun looking like a huge egg yolk.

But I will never like dogs.

This digital strategist job description lists our conference as one of the important ones to go to. Nifty!

Well, only nifty if you're in this industry, but it seems like a very cool mark of how well we're regarded.

I was just looking at the original call for editors from 2006 and thinking how far the company has come!

Little house finches are coming regularly to the birdfeeder now... I looked them up in "iBird" and thought about how the pleasure of experience is enhanced by looking things up and identifying them and listening to fake birdsong. Not a new thought but it's solidified for me in that reality feels more real for me when it matches some kind of cultural product or then inspires one. We then looked up chaffinches and Zond7 claimed robins in England have a different color red than robins in North America.

Read more bits of Cervantes. I am up to the windmill chapter. The book discussion and book burning chapter was hilarious. Thought of Mark Twain. Now I want to read Twain again. When I was little I read all his novels I could find and an enormous "Twain" volume with all his short stories.

Reading The Frenzy of Renown which is completely fantastic. I kept wanting to type up bits of it, but if I had, it would have ended up being the entire Introduction copied into my journal. Here's one little bit, though, that made me think of blogging and bloggers.

The dream of fame in Western society has been inseparable from the ideal of personal freedom. As the world grows more complex, fame promises a liberation from powerless anonymity. In search of modern fame, we often enter a world of obvious fiction, in which all blemishes are smoothed and all wounds healed. It is the social version of a love that absolves the loved one of fault, restoring integrity and wholeness. Those whose fame depends least on anything specific are, in an image-conscious world, the most likely to be emulated. To be famous for yourself, for what you are without talent or premeditation, means you hve come into your rightful inheritance. To be compared to Farrah Fawcett required only hair. In the face of fragmenting social demands, fame creates its own ettiquette, allowing the famous to be themselves in a way no one else can afford to be, and to be accepted into a mystic community of other famous people, a psychic city of mutual respect for each other's individual nature.

The dedication was touching - after thanking many people Braudy says "Although I began the work when both my parents were alive and vigorous, neither has lived to see its completion. But their loss impresses on me still more the feeling that writing this book has nurtured: In the heart of aspiration is the desire for recognition by those whose approval is unconditional and therefore need never be sought, but also can never be assumed."

I am halfway through reading "The Good Divorce" which is good, but painful to read and think about. It seems very useful for adults whose parents are divorced too.

My weird skin problem cleared up with amazing swiftness. I thought it was allergic-y, like eczema or psoriasis or contact dermatitis but it turned out to be tinea versicolor

I am thinking about Moomin a lot and thinking over what to do.

Meanwhile I have helped to light a pilot light, cooked stew, gotten a most beautiful massage from hazelbroom, and read these excellent posts:

* A child abuse survivor's guide to the holidays by Grace Davis

* A fucked up Peaches concert indeed. (Triggery?)

* Patrick Stewart talks about his dad beating up his mom, and asks for people to speak out against domestic violence.

* Arcologies, Arcosanti, and hypothetical lilypad cities

* Actual attempt to breed a red heifer. OMG.

Spent yesterday at yatima's house slightly tuned out of reality. Moomin read comic books and the kids all colored dragons and sea monsters with my watercolor pencils. Dinner fabulous and I managed to eat a little of everything despite the return of stress-related stomach pain. As long as it is fairly small quantities I do okay. Moomin and C. and Zond-7 and I played "I doubt it" which is the card game where you cheat and lie a lot. Then I took MOomin to Squid's house where we met Rook and my sister & her family. Squid just nicely agreed to host us all and add us to her extended family dinner. Can never thank her enough for that. Mostly again Moomin read a lot of comic books but I think it was good for him that we were all there and must surely be reassuring on some level. I had a hard time being there, very stressful, but dealt with it & then left, handing off Moomin for the weekend. I continue wondering what on a practical level we will do. The main thing for me is that I need to make a plan about finding a place to live. My thought is to look hard for a place within walking distance of our house and Moomin's school if I possibly can, as cheap as possible . I don't feel afraid really that either of us will be jerks about custody, money, or things, and trust us both to take good care of Moomin and be supportive of him. I mostly worry about Rook having emotional support and how he will cope. Personally I'm doing okay but with a lot of sadness and some being freaked out. at worst, I feel like a ghost. And very guilty. It seems to me that making decisions quick about moving might be a bad idea and too fast moving, so I'm holding off there, kind of in a holding pattern.

I am reading a book called "The Good Divorce" by Constance Ahrons which my new therapist said was a bit old but extremely good. I'm finding it good and very useful.

My friend Grace wrote a fantastic post, by the way: A child abuse survivor's guide to the holidays. She lists specific strategies and techniques that people might find useful.

Don't really know what to do with myself this weekend. The physical/emotional stress of yesterday means I want some down time. I think bed, gentle stretching, maybe massage? blogging a little, reading this divorce book, reading Don Quixote in Spanish, maybe re-organizing and moving my old typepad blog to my own server to be archived in WP. If I perk up physically i'd like to go over the bridge and hang out with my sister. I should probably talk with my parents some more. I'm on a half-a-very-low-dose of Zoloft to cope with the overwhelming feelings of panic that I was having the last few weeks. It's helping and I think will be very temporary. It feels like a tiny bit of insulation between me and some core of feelings. Helpful for now but not very comfortable for the long run, like wearing mittens.

is to go watch all the times when the Ood were referenced, EVER

ALSO

(spoiler)
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A whole lot of awesome and some ARRRRGH

First of all... was really really exciting and good and scary and, MARS!

SPOILERS BELOW

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went out for coffee - then alternately laid in bed reading and helped A. make various craft projects from a book. The project today is mostly about terrarium-style gardens in flat cardboard boxes. I also rousted myself up to make romper-stompers out of plastic soup tubs, a bathrobe sash, and a tie.

Am going to now go thru current notebook and pull out the poem drafts. This week, I want to go through lots of past notebooks and just throw them away. LOTS of them.

Wow, I can't believe I've never read anything by Maria Edgeworth before! So good! I'm tearing through Belinda which I stole from yatima last night. It's fantastic!

By page 25 I was almost in tears and deeply involved with Lady Delacour's situation, and Belinda's. Lady Delacour explained her life and marriage to young Belinda. She's 36 years old, was originally in love with Mr. Percival, but in the process of provoking him to jealousy, ended up marrying Lord Delacour, amiable, a bit foolish, and thus (she thought) easy to boss around. They fought and spent all their money - Lady Delacour's best friend Harriet Freke, bold and dashing, doing things like going to Parliament in men's clothes etc, ended up betraying her - Lady Delacour fought a duel (also in men's clothes) with Lady What's-Her-Name, her arch-rival, and the gun exploded or recoiled and injured her breast (or she just happened to develop breast cancer soon afterwards, it's unclear). Meanwhile, she knows she's going to die soon from the breast problem, she's horribly unhappy, and wants to be admired and feel flirted with etc for the rest of her life. She begs Belinda to stay with her till her death. It's amazing!

I won't go on because it would be too spoilery. Things have gotten complicated!

And there are certainly lots of men involved - and romance - But so early on in the book, the drama centers around the relationships of women to each other. That's incredibly pleasing.

People in novels are always talking about reading Mrs. Edgeworth so I've been curious about her for years. I've found a good Christmas present for my mom, I think! She'd love this book!

Not enough sporks in the whole wide world...

You want to read it! You know you do!

flyer behind the cut, with complete transcript!

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I thought the "butter" in Butterfingers candy bars referred to butter. A minute after I inhaled that thing I was in trouble! I thought, Oh, i must be on the sensitive side and reacting to crappy chocolate processed on peanut-loving equipment. Then a few not-very-nice breaths later I read the wrapper. Oh shit!

I did albuterol, took benadryl, brushed my teeth, by that point was feeling super awful.I sat back down to do peak flow and got in touch with yatima and minnie over IM just to make sure I didn't panic alone in the house. At the low point was at 275 on peak flow then around 300-350 (normally 550 at least). 350 is uncomfortable and 250 is where I start thinking ER though I can go for a long time at 250. At that point I have a hard time making decisions and am kind of weepy and anxious. Under 350 I don't want to be lying down, it's better to sit up and bend over slightly - it hurts less and is easier to breathe in and be calm. Do other people do that too? I hunch over.

Sooo hunching over the IM, breathing slowly, shaky and anxious, but feeling reasonably on top of it. I have never gone into anaphylaxis though I have seen other people do it. So, confident I could deal. Rook got home and I asked him to bring me my epi-pens - there are two - and leave them with me just in case. Then he went to class. Moomin just read in bed and I didn't tell him anything was wrong b/c I didn't want to freak him out. The benadryl really kicked in... 40 minutes in? something like that.

It's been a while since that happened! Crappy!

I stared at my php code and wrote some notes but didn't get much of anywhere. I have a halfway-working version! It works, but if another person made a mistake, it would break, so I need to build in more bits to compensate.

Maybe an hour and a half later I felt okay and took Moomin to dance class.

Home & to bed.

I just got up and did some housecleaning but that was a mistake, I am wheezing again and concluding that it's not all the way better. More inhaler. More benadryl.

Must call to refill epi-pens tomorrow! The one in my car must be expired too!

That was scary, though.

Air burns going in, but is still very nice.

Entry level techie job! A quote from someone who knows... "nice people, genuinely casual work environment, no internet monitoring or corporate bs, snacks, beer Fridays, the company is doing really well and has not laid off a single person"

Salary is $30k-$40k depending on experience and qualifications, plus benefits, plus stock - at a well funded software start-up (www.3vr.com). This is a great opportunity for a smart, energetic, self-starting person who wants to break into a higher paying, technology oriented job but perhaps doesn't have the right degree or maybe has stopped-out in the middle of a degree program. Major requirements are intelligence, flexibility, initiative, commitment, responsibility, teamwork, and to be clear - intelligence. We are very interested in talking to you if you are bright and fit the profile we've drawn below - we will be asking what your SAT scores were, where you went to school, etc. Positions available to start immediately, initial hourly rate between $15-$20 an hour depending on experience and qualifications; benefits and stock options offered after 4-6 months of successful employment.

We are a software startup of about 50 people located in the SOMA/South Beach area of San Francisco, around the corner from AT&T Park and the CalTrain station. 3VR makes digital video surveillance products for the physical security industry - our product won the "Best New Product of the Year" award at the Security Industry's big trade show in Las Vegas three years in a row! We are a very fun group of bright, energetic technology people – we’re funded by Tier 1 VCs (including Kleiner Perkins and Menlo Ventures), our sales are healthy and increasing every year, and we will be growing substantially throughout 2010 and beyond, so this is a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a terrific company.

Responsibilities: A mixture of several of the following tasks (no one person needs experience in or would be asked to do all of these) - software testing and QA, technical support, technical writing, HTML and web development, scripts, software tools, etc. One person who held this position recently had a science degree and good math skills, but no substantial computer science background - he taught himself some programming and a bunch of other useful skills and has moved up quickly in the 3VR world to Software Engineer. Another person who started with this entry level position had a background in academic grant administration and office management - she started out doing technical writing and software testing, worked her way up in the technology organization, and was promoted to Technical Support Manager!

Profile: You are a software and/or hardware enthusiast - you like computers and computer applications - you care about your computer and what's on it. You are organized and thorough and detail oriented. You are a good communicator, you write clearly and quickly. You enjoy learning to use new software applications and tools. You like being around smart, high energy people. You've often wondered what it would be like to have a job where you are surrounded by people you respected and people you could learn a lot from and who were motivated to teach you things and help you move up in the world. You've dreamed of breaking into technology, especially at an awesome start-up, but have been rebuffed (or been afraid you would be) because you don't already have all of the necessary credentials. You are smart, ambitious, high energy, a voracious learner (especially via Googling anything and everything). You know this is the job for you if reading this has made you very excited to meet the people who wrote this wacky job description and to come and see the company and culture they've built together.

Send us a resume and a cover letter explaining why this is exactly the job for you and why you know you'll do great things for us.

job-yqwjz-1460343269@craigslist.org

Is Darfur the first Thuraya war

I don't know about the first... But anyway -

"Hierarchical command and control over a dispersed force becomes difficult. "

Yes indeed.

and brilliant comment by Abd al-Wahab Abdalla:

The process you describe is a corollary of commodification and globalization, one of the ways in which a global capitalist system systemically reproduces violence on its periphery. This is frontier capitalism at its extreme, a combination of the latest industrial technologies in the hands of predator capitalists set on accelerated primary accumulation, without the restraints provided by the institutions of state. Once again, Africa gets only the dark side of the dominant global production system.

Ponder & discuss.

Okay so first of all why take the wheelchair with you off the bridge? Hahaha! just sit on the edge and shove yourself off. I get the idea that visually he's going for the image of being a "guy in a wheelchair bungee jumping" which is I guess cool in a way but is certainly played for a cheap laugh. Anyway if it were me I'd get out of the chair and schloop myself off the edge. For once, "wheelchair bound" is true since they strap him tightly (imho not tightly enough since you can see him bouncing off it. )

I did laugh my ass off when he yelled "I can't feel my legs!"

Off the gimpgirl mailing list:

HEADCASE: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, And Queer (LGBTQ)
Writers and Artists on Mental Illness
Edited by Teresa Theophano, LMSW

Headcase will be an anthology comprised of 15-20 nonfiction pieces by
writers and artists both established and new, exploring the theme of
mental health, mental illness, and mental health care in the lesbian,
gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer or questioning (LGBTQ)
community. The book is currently being considered for publication by a
major queer press.

The anthology seeks essays, poetry, and comics by queer consumers of
mental health services or queer individuals who have been diagnosed,
but do not identify as patients, with mental illness. Works should
explore the intersection of queerness and mental health and can
include topics such as psychotropics; Gender Identity Disorder and its
acceptance or rejection as a legitimate mental disorder; conventional
v. holistic treatment; experiences in therapy, groups, and/or
institutions; how race and ethnicity, class, sex, gender identity,
age, and disability impact access to treatment; addiction,
self-medicating, and recovery.

Modest compensation provided upon publication to contributors whose
pieces are chosen.

Guidelines:

* Pieces should be between 750 and 1500 words (approximately 3 to
5 double-spaced pages).
* While the deadline for a 2010 publication date has not yet been
established, submitting your piece by December 1, 2009 is recommended.
* Descriptions of pieces in progress are also welcome.
* Submissions should be sent as a Microsoft Word document,
double-spaced, 12 pt. font, Times New Roman font.
* Please provide a brief (100 words or less) bio with your submission

Teresa Theophano is a licensed social worker, out queer mental health
consumer, and the author of Queer Quotes (Beacon Press, 2004).

Please send submissions/project descriptions to her at
headcase_anthology@yahoo.com

Recently the federal government subpoenaed news site Indymedia to try to get the IP addresses of everyone who ever visited the site. They claimed they had the authority for that, and to keep the subpoena secret, so that Indymedia couldn't talk about it. Neither were true.

Because Indymedia follows EFF’s Best Practices for Online Service Providers and does not keep historical IP logs, there was no information for Indymedia to hand over, and the government withdrew the subpoena. However, as the report describes, that wasn’t the end of the tale: Ms. Clair wanted EFF to be able to tell the story of the subpoena and shine a light on the government’s illegal demand, yet the subpoena ordered silence. Under pressure from EFF, the government admitted that the subpoena’s gag order had no legal basis, and ultimately chose not to go to court to try to force Ms. Clair’s silence despite earlier threats to do so.

i need some kind of iphone app meant for men that reminds them when their girlfriend is pms-ing. that would just about accurately deal with my own relationship with my body and how i forget when the hell i had my period last. the ones for women all seem to be about fertility, which i don't care about!

Finished researching & wrote giant post, decent but slobby. i had more complex thoughts about the ways that cuban journalism venerates dead writers (still thinking of roque dalton and "viejuemierda" poem which takes exactly that concept and eviscerates it, exposes it) i think my past self with more capacity to juggle and etc. might have written that extra bit... on another blog maybe... but my thoughts on dalton will have to wait.

worked on delicious api stuff and read my own php code and re-figured it out, mostly. now i want to rewrite that whole thing. i see how to make it better. the hard part is mostly process, and whether it will behave like the docs say it will. i can test it tomorrow. I need 2 days of tagging to be able to test it right.

met with my new boss to explain some of that.

didn't have to drive to Richmond after all to arrange things, it's going to happen all over the phone. i might go meet with them later in the week or next week. It can happen without my going there.

picked moomin up and took him to dance class. i hate rushing around. he had a good class. i ate dinner and read Liar instead of watching the class or trying to work.

made moomin a half assed dinner and watched some youtube music videos with him. he told me about the Dragonlance books (lol).

did the intro to cs readings, lecture, and homework. it seems perfect, i always feel like i lack the formal education and some kind of understanding or foundation that other people have. it felt sort of triumphal to be doing a class from MIT like a big fuck you to the world... here's hoping i can stick with it but if i can't i could re-join the group doing it in january.

finished reading Liar. a good book! I will give it to lucidyouth! She wants readers and commenters so give her some comments and answer her quizzes!

regretting not posting about the AXIS performance from my notes but i ran out of juice. still tempted to try. but i'm tired.

the poems i didn't type yet... the translation i haven't finished (mala piel, so good!) the poems i want to put together into a book...

i feel lately like i can't do enough but that i'm run ragged. i wish i didn't expect so much of myself. could i just chill, please? but no. i list the things i did in the day and they don't seem like enough. i feel a panicky feeling. i don't want to sleep yet! i'm not done! i want to keep going and do something else.. something magical that would really *count* .. then i realize how bad this train of thought is and am appalled at myself. isn't anything ever enough? i'm so stressed. which means driving myself more and harder to fill up the space and prove something to myself. i feel bad about myself right now and need distraction. and i want to do so many things. i can taste them.. i can see them... i think them out and want to make them real to get them out of my head! the stuff i haven't written over the last week or so is a torment.

other days i might just be like ... meh... i did this one thing. enough! or, that one thing might be doing 1 load of laundry. and i have to be okay with that and make myself deal with it. The memory of those days drives me extra hard.