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Feb. 1st, 2015

action grrl

nice day with milo

i slept a lot this morning on and off (rare for me)
Still running a bit of a fever but i'm up and around.

D. went off to work today as he has to videoconference in or something to talk to the australian parliament. (I am not exactly clear) He went with us in a cab (all suited up fancy) to drop me and Milo off at Dossie's. we gave her the walker and hung around a bit. She can be sitting up for maybe half an hour now. really good to see her a bit more perky and out of the hospital/rehab.

Milo and i then scootered a block or so over to MIssion comics then to dog eared books and borderlands which is ... CLOSING. nooooo! i bought the new jo walton book figuring probably the kids will also read it and i can pass it around. he got amulet #6 and a neil gaiman book.

Then we had lunch at mission cheese. milo now eats a normally human amount of food and appears to have good taste. like magic! I felt happy about the 10+ years not spent trying to force him to eat food that he didn't like. yesterday, he ate a caesar salad. (had not seen him, before last fall, ever eat a vegetable or a leaf) (raw carrots excepted) This makes me feel smug. I had a small side salad. i am not eating very well. am cooking fish congee (with rock cod) for tonight.

Ran into annalee and jesse, then kiera and a friend of hers. so pleasant to go down the street in the sun and see people we know....

Back, resting, now A. came over to drop off some things. Looks like she is with us this week too, after a week at her other dad's house. So things are very lively. she is explaining the entire tv show Agent Carter to Milo.

Jan. 31st, 2015

action grrl

Dramatic fall onto the fainting couch

Well I got up to fold laundry and walk about the house a bit. Realized my stomach hurt like hell and I was running a fever. Back in bed. Not swimming. I would still like to go up the hill and be in the sun. But not if that makes me worse.

ate half an apple. trying to think what to eat. i think a lot of salad and veggies maybe.
action grrl

Hanging in , going out

Can't eat normally but faking it. (less than half of a normal amount of food)

nice dinner with metaphortunate anyway!

It isn't getting any easier to get myself out of bed to go swim today. Must JFDI. But it is boring. I will try to take some mpleasure in the bus trip and the nice sunny day and swim at my own pace and not hurt myself. Wish I had someone to go with or talk with at it! my small talk is not super stoked right now. Also, my back hurts and i will not enjoy the bus.

I wonder if i could make the drive there soon.

since it is so hard to get myself up and my back is so wobbly i am not going to alterconf, giving away the tix. sad to miss this personally and also i was looking forward to sharing it with milo.

i also want some coffee so very much but it would be a bad idea for gastritis. at least i can move around. it is not to emergency bad levels. on the edge though. Must eat super conservatively, rest a lot.

tempting... just stay home and do regular PT exercises? is swimming too much?

I can't tell.

Jan. 28th, 2015

action grrl

Hard night

Bad night, feeling very sick, sick to my stomach, reflux, and a weird strong headache that had increased over the day. Pain meds did not help the headache. It was so hard to fall asleep. like a horrible nightmare most of the night. I am not feeling well today, dizzy and sick and looking at the computer makes my head hurt. I tried to dial in to my 8:30 meeting and people's voices made me want to pass out.

Some sort of flu or virus I guess. Taking the day off. reading and dozing. I am missing the work I wanted to get done, swimming, and meeting up with people I wanted to see who are from out of town and also dropping by to see D. as she moves today from the nursing home to chuck's house. All on hold. I miss going to the office and swimming especially as I was looking forward to both.

Jan. 27th, 2015

action grrl

Busy morning!

Read news, HN (which I do if i wake up in the night or very early) had tea and half a tramadol, slowly unstiffening. Knees and ankles bad in the way of post-airplane flight. I read a very excellent draft of an article or post by a friend and commented in potentially useful ways. She is admirable in her careful and nuanced construction of thoughts. What a pleasure to read. Also, a nice way to start the morning. I need more tea, and now to work email, 9:05am so it is not like I have shirked.

Not sure how things will play out at work this week. I would like to focus deeply and submit a patch! Must catch up with email, go to at least 2 meetings. So i could not until late afternoon. By then I may be in too much pain. Then Wed. morning a meeting and then physical therapy. So I really really want to try for this afternoon.

Jan. 26th, 2015

action grrl

Home and happy

I liked Salt Lake City and Park City both. I did a fair job of relaxing and not trying to do too much, slightly over the line but most of that was today (getting off the plane to go to ada's school play opening night, which was AMAZING.)

I had great food, 3 different really good hotels, nice people all around, got to see a little of the library, strange experience today of scootering around downtown Salt Lake City and, yay, went to hear an organ recital in the Tabernacle, which was truly great. Mormons weirded me out. I went into the geneology building.

Actually just crossing the street from the temple plaza to the geneology building was weird and hilarious and a good silly story. I was facing the building across a wide, completely empty street at a crosswalk and red light and don't walk sign. The lights on either side a block away were red and no cars were even visible. Across the street from me was a lineup of mormons with name tags, ladies in skirts and like big hair, and men in suits with flowers in buttonholes. It was as if they were in 50s shop windows. They were all staring at me like i was from Mars but with big smiles. I have to say my heart quailed as I realized I was about to jaywalk or jayscoot in front of these people. Do Mormons do a citizens arrest? So, I went across and they all burst into nervous laughter. I went to the median and thought perhaps we could leave it at that, but no, it had to be done right so I just kept going. We grinned at each other wildly. ONe of them stepped aside and made a remark, something like "Well, uh oh, you might just block our way or something!" (Which was weird because.... i am one person and they were like 10 and they were blocking the crosswalk ramp) False joviality! I laughed lightly while grinning (and considered dramtically taking off my hat to reveal troll doll crest; rejected as the right moment had passed before I thought of it, plus, not actually there to troll mormons, just wanted to cross street, so, unworthy) and went on to admire the Pioneer Cabin to collect myself (rattled!) and hack its portal(s).

Then peeked into the geneology place. A large imposing building with very ugly art inside. The greeters were perturbed but came at me with smiles and nametags. Sister something explained that I could go to watch a video then go to the computers and people would help me. I said I was pretty experienced in doing that kind of research and familiar with how to do geneology stuff online and what i wanted to know was what paper archives they have and what access people can have to them because I like history. She did not know but after some fumbling said that there were books and papers and things on other floors but would have to ask around. I didn't have time to stay so thanked her and went off to the GLORIOUS organ music.

Gershwin on an organ, meh. "Southern Song" ok, noted the blue note accurately done (impressive) but this compounded feeling of cultural appropriation/ruining done by Gershwin. and yet it was quite beautiful and dreamy. BUT. Toccata and fugue(s) A PLUS WOULD FUGUE AGAIN. holy shit! So great. The organist did a demo of the acoustics by dropping a pin 3 times onto the table and then a nail and then tearing a newspaper. My observation of the pin drop was that the pins were dropped onto a hollow wooden sounding box type of thing on top of the table. That is not quite cheating, it is fine, but, it was implied that they were just dropped onto the table...... Kind of cheating really. Wondered what the hell. Immense wealth of odd religious cult displayed. What if someone like, busted me for playing ingress in t heir plaza? What would it be like to flat out own like 4 city blocks for the your monumental architecture of your Thing, whatever it is? What even is their thing, wtf? I think my knowledge of mormons goes like this: Sherlock Holmes story. Pat Califia complaining about childhood. Abuse scandals. They wear particular underwear (garments). Feminist Mormon Housewives group blog (which was great when i was reading it). Oh, also, impression that it is odd, but mostly harmless, to think if you record everyone's family tree then you get their souls in your heaven. You know, weird, but, shrug....

Back in SF feeling the vast weight of wondering if Mormons will get me lifted off my shoulders.

Much more to say but must sleep. Must blog about things like, the movie itself, my amazing breakfasts, all the nice things about the hotels, mountains, things I wish I had gotten to do, the library, etc. etc. also ada's school musical which, highlight of everything, was great.

Jan. 17th, 2015

action grrl

evening at the hospital

Spent yesterday afternoon and evening at the hospital in oakland doing a shift with dossie who had some spine fusion surgery. She is getting up a bit better now and probably moving soon to a recovery/rehab place and lots of good people are rallying round in support and for care. It is a complicated surgery and will be a while. It sounds like the plan is for her to be more central to the city so, that means I will be able to be around for that. (ie not a 2 hour drive away up in the woods) We talked poetry, read poetry and had as nice a time as I think is possible in a hospital while in that much pain. I am very fond of dossie. got a call from s. while i was in the hospital and left voicemail back. did not look at internet. yatima is in oz and i keep thinking of her situation with her dad and her family. i want to hug everyone close.

I just went out to swim, it was lonely and boring, I could not keep up with the (overly bouncy) arthritis exercise class so did my own thing in the corner, and a couple of people said hi but mostly they weren't friendly, including the instructor. Missed the bus back so had to wait another half an hour. At least it was sunny. My back hurts.

Got back to news from zond7 about what is going down last night and today with s., wv, and entire fucking world of jerkfaces, feeling a bit sad and dispirited. feeling for her extremely. it is quite horrible.

Jan. 14th, 2015

action grrl

Way too much about physical therapy

I woke up a little late, but time enough for toast and coffee before my meeting. Boss and other sorta manager didn't show up. I ran the meeting and it was fun. Felt that I brought a little warmth into it and also managed to get other people talking with each other rather than a feeling of meeting runner/ boss eliciting responses/statuses. It is a tough crowd (everyone nice, but somewhat demoralized by situations). Felt good about that. Did not feel bogus. Then contacted a few people privately afterwards to do followup or make sure they got what they needed. I did a few things that didn't take a crapton of concentration.

C. showed up a bit late but it was ok. The plan was to try out her driving me to PT at the pool today. The pool has been closed for about a month. I did go do a little mild moving around in the JCC twice and I do my PT exercises every day at least once. Still I figured a 3+ hour scooter, bus ride, scootering, PT and back again would wipe me out. It also would serve as a scouting trip to see how driving there would work out, if I can drive again, which I hope I can. The drive took around 15 minutes. Maybe a bit more. (It takes an hour for the bus + scootering.) She realized on the way she had left her fancy vaccuum cleaner in her building lobby. So went back to get it and then picked me up. Our plan was if there was lots of traffic she would call me and I could just take the bus.

There is parking on the same level as the pool. So I could in theory drive there with the manual wheelchair. Much easier in some ways than scooter + bus. If my driving leg (and hands/back) can do it. Anyway, PT felt great. I got some good advice on my knee difficulties. There were two very nice new people. It was mary's last week that her insurance will pay. I will miss her, she is super nice. Not mega chatty but nice. I felt for A. who was there for the first time and clearly in pain hell and trying not to cry. I was going to ask her if we could give her a ride or how she was getting home. But should have asked in the pool. I waited for her in the locker room a while but she was clearly trying to get dressed in one of the bathroom stalls. I really felt for her. Like how was she managing in there to get on a shirt?????? Jesus. Not well, I can say that much. Anyway, I liked her. In the way of just respecting someone's private everest climbing and trying not to cry moment. LIke you want to let them know you respect it or are there with them but not in a way that's like intrusive. Impossible unless over time, sometimes. PT guy super nice, super competent, continues to impress me on all levels.

My knees are a little wobbly because I am walking better. This is familiar phase of leg rehabbing. Must not fuck up my knees. I am excited though. Really must not. Asked for advice. PT guy familiar with this. Looked at what I was doing. Said I need to not just think about core (hard enough..... ) but consciously tighten quads, glutes, all leg, while moving (holding onto side of pool, gentle leg lifts to side, not far up, just using hte muscle) I could do the side lifts fine but the knee I was standing on then in pain. Thinking about tightening everything worked. I pictured it all like all like a girdle of muscles around my knee holding it together. Will practice this somehow more. In bed. The squats in the pool also help. I can visualize things more. Cannot do them out of pool. A little bit with "sit to stand" exercise. Which, embarrassingly, is just standing up out of a chair, which over time I have come to do in a very "adaptive to back pain" way which is incorrect and destabilizes everything more. Basically, I have not only forgotten how to walk "correctly" and use my muscles together, I have forgotten how to get up out of a chair. Grrrrrreat. Clearly, if I can keep doing them, squats = magic, for all of this.

Felt invigorated by everything. Exercise! ! ! ! ! While waiting for C. in the parking lot I had a good moment of extra enjoyment on a park bench in the sun. A young mom talked to me about dying her hair. They were having a pirate picnic. I thought fondly of the coffee in the boring toddler playground days and their weird pace. Then I got a DM from sandra. The movie trailer is out!! whoa! I am in the trailer! D. is in the trailer! it is noisebridge,and our tiny living room office. Cool! The trailer is good!

Trigger warning: sexy naked ladies in the trailer as well as scenes of violent protest and me in my Hackmeet tshirt in noisebridge, being interviewed (unaware that horrible WV is just out of frame in the DJ booth having a nap, in his special sunday fake trolly christian suit or whatever the hell was going on then, until after the interview when he popped out of the booth looking owly and sleepy) The trailer got across some of the sense of what it was like to be aware of and be following the events of the Arab Spring from north america at the time and what it is like to fall in love over the internet, how internetty everything was, but non-boringly (a few of those "typing in passwords" montages, which for me were specially intense because i spent hours staring at those blog screens) Considering how much of revolution takes place in our imaginations -- while there is an immediate physical reality, if people weren't sharing an imagined world or reality then they would not join a revolution. This is corny but of course love is the same way. I feel the movie will not pull its punches about people romanticizing revolutions, distant oppression they are not experiencing physicallly, or love.

D. texted me to say his laptop broke and he is coming home. Luckily yesterday he JUST put together a sort of zombie back-up laptop. In case of this very thing.

You can see already it was a lively day full of interest and people.

C. picked me up. Home in 15 min. If not for the vacuum cleaner I could nearly have gotten to my other meeting at 1:30. We got back just as Revolt was about to leave. So he parked his scooter (he has a copy of my garage door opener) and came on up. I babbled about the movie thing and we all lined up on the couch to watch the trailer. OMG!

Revolt and I then babbled some more about music. He played me a song that was tru and eileen singing together about sisters. I got all teary. When I heard her song on the blacklivesmatter mixtape I thought immediately she and eileen would like each other and had compatible singing powers and taste. Now they are composing songs together. I am very excited. I would listen to just their rough cut from the living room fooling around. It was lovely like hearing eileen practicing. Beautiful strong lyrics. Revolt played me Kool Mo Dee "I Go to Work" which was motherfucking genius. He is in some bad pain. His right arm is not doing well. But he is super happy. He talked about how happy he was that the mixtape ended up bringing people together creatively more than he realized it would because they worked together on it. It is meant for activists and radicals to refresh and sustain them. He worked super hard on the sound clips and we talked about making a malcolm x torrent that is better than the one that's out there (there is only one! ridiculous) I said not a lot of people had responded to the mixtape and he gently said that it was not really meant FOR liberals which is probably who is on my FB. Oh thanks dude! ahahahah. Well! Not gonna lie. Mostly true.

Here is the mixtape. it is free! Tru has a story and a song at the end.

I then worked. (whew) Did many different small things. Emailed people. Followed up on shit. Etc. C. cleaned the fridge which was something I could just not do as it meant taking out all the drawers and shelves. I dont even know how she did it. Careful manipulation of things diagonally. Anyway she saved us all from the consequences of an entire gallon of orange juice having gone under the veggie drawers. I mopped as much up as i could on Sunday but it was nasty. And, she took away all the cardboard and did an asston of laundry. And was lovely company as always. I invited her to dinner but she went home.... Long day.....

A. got home around 6. Did her homework. She was pleased to have people there that were not just me. Realized I was stiffening up and in pain. We got bbq. all too tired to cope with idea of making tacos as i had planned. A. and I discussed her birthday party and looked at photos of her over the ages. She was very cute in the past, as was Moomin. They are still cute. But they were differently cute.

D. is working probably all night tonight. He has not quite got back onto a day schedule anyway. His friend Fakebit will be in town next week. Yay! I also invited damnedcolonial to stop over on her way through her North American Tour some months from now.

My mom was excited about the trailer and put it on her fb and her friend said i looked poised, professional and natural. hahahaahh. No really opposite of poised or professional. Actually, that is what not giving a fuck looks like. Natural I will give you. But it was nice my mom liked it.

Yesterday was horrible and I cried a lot and listened to emo music and Processed and then kept waking up in the night in cold sweats thinking of things. But as so often happens I woke up and just rode the day and was absolutely fine, if melancholy underneath. I thin this is a mixture of brain chemical luck, Stoic philosophy, resilience, and a dollop of embarrassing shallowness.

Tomorrow I hope to go heads down and concentrate harder on the things I am actually supposed to be doing for Goals that take continuous hours of concentration.

In bad pain now! Very sore. Must sleep! Drugs are good! I shoudl take tramadol immediately tomorrow morning and also tylenol.

Sticking to thoughts: Do not fuck myself up physically on this trip to sundance. Take it all easy. Stick to hotel room with D. and the soothing, healthy internet, which makes me Rest. Do not attempt to Explore all of SLC and park city in the cold in a scooter. Exploring can be for another time somewhere else. Specially planned. OK maybe a little breakfast-getting in downtown SLC. 2nd thought: Tentative 2-month goal to try driving (in 2 months-ish) to the pool at a non-PT, open swim or arthritis exercise class time. Is this theright goal? 6 month out, goal to drive there and walk in? Maybe realistic if I don't backslide/flare up. 3rd thought: kick ass at work. 4th thought: zine.

Jan. 12th, 2015

action grrl

clash of impostors

I have been playing clash of clans since Thanksgiving (I think) and had a funny moment yesterday considering strategy, and some insights that seem generally applicable to life.

The game lets you build a little village where you mine gold and elixir, build walls and defenses and weapons tech, and then basically, armies of barbarians, giants, goblins, wizards, etc. You can fight solo against goblin villages, or start getting matched up with random other players across the world to attack their fortress villages. In attacks, you can loot around half the other player's gold and elixir, and if you destroy 50% of their buildings you get some "trophies", and win the match. Destroying all the buildings gets more trophies. With the loot, you can immediately build new stuff. Trophies are used to determine the difficulty level of player you get matched with, and what "league" you are in, a group of 100 players. Every few days, your league is wiped clean, and you are matched up with a new league depending on how many trophies you have at that moment.

You also can join a clan and have big complicated battle tournaments with another clan, which is fun.

Anyway, recently I got up to a Silver league level, and then rose to the top of it. I was going for a badge where you reach 1250 trophies. I kept getting around 1190, mostly from attacking other people (and skipping through potential matches till I found one easy enough). Then in the night someone would always come kick my ass and I'd lose like 30 trophies. Very frustrating! It also felt harder and harder to find an easy enough match.

I kept thinking, what am I missing? Why can't I kick these people's asses? And paging through more and more matches of people with a mile of huge walls, 3 mortars (to my one) and 3 wizard towers wiht a level 8 town hall. In short triple the defense power that I have. And feeling like I was missing some possible successful attack strategy.

Last night realized that I am being matched up with people with 3 times my defense level because I am that much better at attack and strategy so that I am several leagues above most people with my actual tech/battle level.

OH. I am not incompetent at strategy. I am 3 times better at strategy and punching far above my weight class.

That was a relief.

So I have to go lose some battles for bit on purpose (I don't have to, but I could) Or just focus more on loot, and less about trophies and winning. I did that a few times last night, and suddenly was wallowing in gold coins...... I am not sure if I will be matched "correctly" till the leagues are cleared and re-formed in a few days. I looked online at strategy guides and saw that people deliberately start a battle, attack wtih one troop, then surrender so they can lose max trophies and go loot low-level players. omg. I am unlikely to go that far with it, but simply to re-focus off winning and onto looting! Not out of honor but because I really like to win. (Also I would not mind being just slightly above my dad's level in the clan....... but maybe once I catch up a bit more!)

Jan. 11th, 2015

action grrl

Identification method

Question based on a scene from the novel 1Q84 (which I am greatly enjoying).

Weird things are happening, like people referring to major world events you don't remember. You suddenly wonder if you are in the same reality and same body and are really yourself. You are overcome. There is no mirror. To check if you are really you, you reflexively feel:

a) your boobs
b) your face
c) some other part of your body

action grrl

Scholarly and curious

Moomin told me that, inspired by reading The Disappearing Spoon, he has taken each example of his boring chemistry homework and looked up what each chemical reaction is actually doing. Fermentation, the Haber-Bosch process, dissolving aluminum, and many more.


Jan. 5th, 2015

action grrl

More thoughts! Long day!

Thinking about my goddaughter. I should give her a holler. Have not written much since she graduated college and got a job. Somehow haunted a bit tonight thinking of her mom.

Got out the piano this afternoon to help Moomin practice new songs for school choir. He is singing bass (? not really..... imho but they had to split the 5 boys somehow) in Scarborough Fair and baritone in the old norse song from the beginning of Frozen. He was not hitting the notes and i was puzzled then realized he was 2 notes off in reading the bass line and also slightly flat. Some re-establishment of what middle C is helped. But, they do not really know the notes, or scales, or keys, it is like 8 years of do re mi. We then sang it all fairly well and he was into practicing one line many times (as i am). I wonder if I could teach him basic music reading now with some of my music books.

He was remarkably handsome today in his hashtag sweater, skinny jeans, and mismatched socks (one rainbow with pawprints, one purple striped) and black vans.

The cat threw up 4 times. Not usual for her. She is drinking, and peeing, and seems chirpy enough.

D home to make dinner. yay! he did not sleep at all one night recently then slept nearly all weekend (work stress and illness) He is cooking lots lately and fetching food and doing all the laundry. We went to dinner with his friends from the uk. (stef and kay and james c) I spent most of the weekend alternating lying in bed reading and going through toys in the kids room with Moomin. We went through the bin of magnet things and the 2 tubs of legos, sorting out everything that was not a lego. The room is rearranged to make room for a desk. We both enjoy poring over things and I think both enjoyed the magformers and legos and endless sorting. We made the friendly Totem from Monument Valley in small legos after finding a one-by-one yellow lego with an eyeball on it.

Then after dinner I had the huge urge to play the piano but held off. Ada then suggested the desk area could be the piano area. I put it on the 2 matching chair-stepstools. Works perfectly. I wanted to play while ada was in the shower but could not get printer working. I got in a little bit of practicing invention #1 from memory and trying to remember the fingering. Did not get past the 2nd twiddly bit. Printer finally worked. Then she was out and didn't want me to play. So I listened to her composition. She is writing down the note names on paper according to my sticky tape marks. Feel slightly crap at things since neither child can read music. Her composition was good. It was called The Argument. First a melodic bit then chords that were like a different voice. Then more of the first voice. Then more crashy chords. Ada has a cold and a sort of gurgly cough. I dosed her with childrens' benadryl-D before bed.

Noticed she had done her math worksheet all wrong and have set alarm for 7am to explain ratios. I have thought out several different ways to explain it. I could see how she was thinking (gets it at the core if things are in 5s or 10s, so understands the principle, but mixes it up and also was approximating, so anything not obvious was in the wrong order and sort of rounded.) Also, lack of focus or caring factored in since it was after 8pm when she started it. She did not flip out when I mentioned about needing to re-do with explanation. I was afraid she woudl be upset. she was very good tempered for it being a changing households day, long school day + theater practice, homework, shower, etc. Resolving not to be quarrelsome or scoldy and magically get her to do basic chores and homework without any sort of conflict ever again.

Worked a lot, intensely while I was working, but had a fabulous break mid day going to lunch and coffee with E, her little sister S, and their dad. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. E. is in college now. S. is in Moomin's grade I think and does cosplay. They are very amusing! It was so good to see them! I adored them as they were growing up. What a fabulous gift of life if we can be friends while they are grown ups. Super touched they came up to see me. I think that is why I'm thinking of my goddaughter and feeling a pang that I failed to stay in touch or really, do much of a job there other than sporadic books, graduation gifts, that one hideous bit where she wanted some truth about her mom and I was like Uhhhhh, JFC, where to begin.

I want my piano books from rook's house and will pick a few to put in the bookshelves here. bach + chopin + a couple of easy books to teach the kids from (if they'll tolerate it) I am afraid to hurt my hands but surely just a little bit.... the pleasure in it is doing it for hours though so, hmmmmm. My hands hurt now. So, unwise to get piano from kids' room. Will read the end of Ra instead.

Very domestic and kid focused "holiday", not badly so but a little less career and art filled that I first thought it would be. That is not a bad outcome though.
action grrl

Friending dead people

It feels a bit odd to "friend" someone I used to know and lost touch with, right after they died but I did it just now to remember them. Then it struck me to consider how many accounts I'm linked to for people who are no longer alive. It feels wrong to unfriend someone just because they died. Imagining 10 or 20 years from now (assuming some continuity of some services, which may not be safe to assume) this may become more noticeable to me. There are also dead people in my phone contacts who I think it is best to just leave there and I will think fondly of them when I come across their name.

Wonder if social media tools will end up letting you differentiate between memorial/legacy accounts and live ones..... Or build in some other way to mark the end of life of the account's owner (even if it is still run by someone else in their memory)

I'm sure all this has been discussed endlessly at various conference panels and I remember seeing some of them go by but not paying attention.

Random thought, not feeling too morbid about it, just a little sad.

Jan. 2nd, 2015

action grrl

some zines cataloged


some of my zines and little books in the barnard library

Jan. 1st, 2015

action grrl

party feelings, also, fuck pirate hats

Absolutely lovely time last night with people!!!!!

frances asked if i was doing anything and I thought this is a perfect excuse to have people over. so d. and i invited around 8 people to come. He had cleaned off the desk, I got some fancy cheese and pate and port and flowers from up the hill, and cleared off the surfaces and put out all possible chairs into our tiny living room/kitchen. Bedroom also configured in couch mode for possible overflow. (Or optionally kids could be exiled to the kids room.) gus came and brought her friend jake, also yatima and jsgf and kids, frances and snail. I just really enjoyed everyone, and felt a hostess-ly glow of providing everyone with nice things, comfort, interesting people, and a sociable cat. We all talked a lot and fooled with a little puzzle game, played swish, and mostly... talked. Techy sort of gossip and internet dramas, books and games and where is the zeitgeist going. I have to go to sleep so it will go unrecorded, and much of it was so snarky that it shouldn't be recorded anyway, like making fun of various neo singularity cults, but it was super enjoyable. I really am going to make those "Have you heard the bad news about Roko's Basilisk" (And Femilisk) tshirts, I swear to god. Also it turned out everyone knew other people's subjects of gossip through some unexpected connection. Admired the amazing shawl frances made that was even more nudibranchy and delicate than the last. v. entertaining explanation of the Spelunky Eggplant solo run with link to article which I read today along with some of the bits of video. Also, yatima's oldest daughter both started playing ingress on my team and began tending a clash of clans village (I am recruiting her for our clan). Had one of those moments with younger one, who is sometimes enigmatic, where I handed her a mini-ipad and she gazed at me incredulously, like the times I suddenly give her plain white rice and mac and cheese for dinner and she goes OMG... how did you know.....

Thought how much Bryony would have liked it if I could have teleported her and fortified her with hefty doses of valium and port though 90% of the tech and weird internet culture gossip would have been arcane that is exactly what she would like about it.

Nice time today with yatima taking me along for the ride to the pool. she listened to me natter about continuous integration. which was fun. Felt suddenly like i know a fair amount of things.

I read The Secret in Miranda's Closet today and will give it to my sister. feeling slightly haunted - did I do that 10 years ago? or did i only attempt to find the book and fail?

Read Lock In. Read Say Yes to the Marquess. In past few days: Read Orleans by Sherri L. Smith. Read all the Provincial Lady books, Bouquet, and Zella Sees Herself. Also Mystery at the Rectory, Mystery in White, Gay Life, No One Now Will Know, Zebra Forest (not that good) One Came Home (meh!) The Thing About Luck (interesting but not great), One Crazy Summer (great!) P.S. Be Eleven (also good).

read and edited d.'s article over again for the nth time. he cooked a super delicious giant vat of chicken with potatoes and creamy sauce.

I hung my two big pictures somewhat crookedly the other day. (luckily before inviting people over).

I got D. to move the bed and I finished rearranging/clearing things out of our bedroom. Now there is a narrow corridor all around the bed. It is very narrow, but it means he doesn't have to climb over me to get out of bed. I removed everything that could be annoyingly knocked over and set up a million power outlets and a sort of nightstand for him. I still get the outside edge since I get up and down lot more. Our room is so small that there is not a really good configuration for the bed where you can get all the way around it, get to the closet, and open or close the door. A pocket door would improve this somewhat. A full (instead of queen) bed would not fix it (I measured when we moved in)

We need an extra couple of weeks to sort through our things and throw things away.... it is maddening. It will take me days even with extra help (which I have to have to move the big things) and many allergy attacks to remove everything from the kids room. It just all needs to come out of the room. Then only put back in a few things. Must remove their pointless, unmaintainable cubbyhole shelf thing and replace with a desk. And the horrible stack of crate-like things with art supplies and Magic cards seriously needs replacing with the tall skinny bookshelf from rook's house and my old office. I would like to get rid of things like the 3 pirate hats. i mean fuck. one of them is nice. but it's like, do we want to spend 10% of the volume of one of our two closets on pirate hats? fuck no. no one would ever miss them either.

Dec. 26th, 2014

action grrl

Reading E.M. Delafield

Thanks to oursin's book list :) I just finished Gay Life, which I liked and which was gloriously fucked up, and am now embarked on No One Will Know. I love her already. Will probably read whatever I can find as ebooks.

Dec. 25th, 2014

action grrl

Fabulous xmas

Super nice time at my sister's. Nicest xmas ever except for missing Milo. We cabbed over last night and opened a present each. I was walking around ok despite it being the day after a back injection. Tim declared a new clan war and also made snickerdoodles. What is the difference between those and sugar cookies? Same thing??? I think it is a disgusting sounding word. So will go on calling them sugar cookies. Laura was mysteriously wrapping things in her craft room till late. danny started playing elite (the new version) on my work laptop. I kept finding Ada out of bed including lying on the hallway floor with a blanket claiming "she didn't like to sleep in beds". She was up past midnight. and was up at 2 when i woke up to go to the bathroom but i didn't say anything to her because I could not cope. Then when I got up she was dressed up and crying on the floor because she did not look fancy enough. exhaustion i am pretty sure. But she perked up with food and activity. and also looked cute in her velvety dress and had fun all day.

We had stockings on laura and tim's huge king size bed with the 3 cats all around us. several playmobile things and legos minifigs. candy. bath things. the Bullshit button that I got laura was as funny as I had imagined. I swear jack's face as he considered possibly pushing the button.... omg. After a while he got to take it for granted. It was amazing how often we had cause to use the button. It didn't even begin to pale until around 5pm.

Cannot remember all the things we did but it was pretty unstressful and there were long periods of lazing around all playing different video games.

Presents were hideously and gloriously abundant. Mayhem. I got a book on the history of navigation, The Lost Art of Finding Our Way, a zine called Damn Bloody Rite on periods (A quarterly rag mag, issue 1, june 2014) and a zine called Miromi with a comic about mysterious knitting. Danny got me a completely amazing, huge black silk scarf printed with hubble telescope image of RS Puppis and it surrounding nebulae or clouds or whatever. I love it so. it is huge enough that if i tie it around my chest it makes an actual gown. ada liked her drawing tablet wacom thing and was very bouncy and excited. i coudl not tell what jack liked best. he can be very deadpan. mostly he was dying to play laura's island experiment game. (finally he started it at the end of the day...)

laura made blueberry cream cheese coffee cake. delicious. also tim made coffee (he is the best at it) and bacon.

I was just luxuriating in everything. My bad leg was twingey but not bad . I feel like my physical therapy enhanced stomach muscles are helping it.

Ada and Jack did an excellent complicated cat show with themed chases (bat mode, panic mode, beaver mode, etc.) two modes per round, with a tamer and a judge/announcer and the three cats. Bonus rounds were declared with the Bullshit Button. We skyped with mom and dad in the middle of this so they could appreciate the hilarity and chaos. also comically showing them all our ipad game screens. we made each other laugh a lot. it was out of control.

i spent some relaxing time writing and drawing and got into flow even with all the chaos around. some on the couch and some in the back yard or at the kitchen table. I sure miss having a kitchen table or big desk to work at. i made myself cry twice by accident while writing. sketches were not feeling like i was in the swing of it but they also weren't horrible. fine for a zine. Not the painstaking detail or penciling and inking of my hackerspace coloring book drawings but more scribbly. i have not drawn cartoon people for a while. not really since making little books for milo when he was small. It was super cold and i realized at some point i was shivering but hadn't realized it. Then had some lunch, walked around the house a bit cleaning up, and wore my silk star scarf and my wooly scarf and got under a down blanket on the couch. I was warm the rest of the day with this extra scarf layer.

My hands are both covered in hand-sized giant bruises from the botched IV sedation from the back injections. But not stopping me from writing, typing and drawing, it only feels bad if the backs of my hands touch anything. I hope I never get that same nurse again since if she cannot stick even my giant awesome veins she has got to be hopeless and on the first one when i was screaming and my hand was obviously swelling up i had to keep pointing out to her that the stuff was NOT GOING INTO MY VEINS and my hand had a giant lump on it yet she kept injecting ANYWAY. I guess they all have to fuck that up some time or another. Still. Ugh. No. The bruises look gross but fascinating. One hand is greenish black while the other one is more black and blue.

We played a game called forbidden desert which I'd like to play some more! it is cooperative and seemed hard (like pandemic but we did not grasp the strategy yet) Later me, danny, ada and jack played munchkin while laura and tim cooked xmas hamburgers. I always think munchkin is boring even if it has its cute or amusing aspects but suddenly realized should play it anyway since, kids. then i was super impressed with jack's reading of the cards. he could not have played this game last year though he could read a bit it wasn't fluid or fast enough for him to do the cards more or less on the fly. Much poring over pokemon and magic cards! so good! i felt super happy for him and also admired how good he is at games in general. and not bad at explaining the rules of things either. I like his strategic advice too.

ada and i had a look at the chickens. i think she did some chicken taming while i was writing but i missed it. danny was more or less glued to Elite.

then we had dinner and watched doctor who, which was good.

cab driver home was oddly swervy though a nice guy. we nearly rear ended someone on the highway who braked suddenly in front of us. luckily the dude had good reflexes. the moon was specially beautiful over the bay bridge and downtown oakland and sf both seemed extra lit up and gorgeous in the night.

i had a long bath with jets going and a sort of lotiony face mask thing that sharrow sent me from new zealand. the mask felt very strange but nice. it isn't the kind of clay mask stuff that dries on your face or the goo that you can peel off but was a.... lotiony but toner-feeling smooth thin gauze.

I want to go spend a week in lauras house and play with all her craft and art things and eat all their different kinds of food, drink tim's bourbon, and weed her garden and build a bench with scrap lumber and play with all jack's legos and playmobile things across his entire room making a giant battle scene or several different warring kingdoms with him. we could also make one of those fancy free bookshelf houses. or like every kind of art. ahahahaha. riiiight. Is this desire obnoxious, or normal? I would manage it magically without being a pain in the ass relative or annoying or anything. Perhaps this is a delusion. Anyway, they have the best sleepovers, and holidays. i love my sister. her family is awesome. i like being in her house and especially her art studio room with her stuff and books all over it and bits of amazing projects, garden designs done in those colored markers which blend, prints, paintings, exploding creativity, a zillion tools and fabrics and junk and everything. her environments are weirdly inspiring and freeing, the right kind of chaos feeling like anything is possible. or a sort of vision like a cubist painting where a lot of possibilities are all there at once. if there were just time.

Forgot to try to scam some of her shoes for Ada..... need to just buy ada a fancy yet comfortable pair of shoes for extra.... she did like those furry boots last year. maybe something like that!

milo is surely having a fabulous time with his cousins and dad and everyone but i missed him awfully and he would have enjoyed the day with us and the super laid back atmosphere. maybe next year. i also really want to take him on a trip to mexico with me.

i feel super relaxed for the first time in many many months. my brain is rested and i feel more like myself. i didnt check my work email or even feel like it. impossible!

am going to sleep with my star scarf under my pillow so i can clutch it and think of the enormous universe!!!!!! and of my zine which is coming along nicely! i ahve to work a bit tomorrow but hopefully .... just a bit, i can explore some of the fun new stuff i'm learning about the automated test frameworks, and then i can write and draw some more and keep my relaxed mindset over the weekend.

i am also super eager for the warm rehab pool to open up again. it is closed till january 5 and i miss it. i hope i can make a nice friend there to talk with during the arthritis exercise hours once i can kind of graduate from PT to the regular class times. though it is hard to chat and keep pace with someone if you are different heights walking around in there.

i feel very lucky in everything right now.

Dec. 6th, 2014

action grrl

Cheery things and books and games

Nice things: playing clash of clans . I am now in my 7 year old nephew's clan along with my dad and brother in law. and i think my sister is in there too now if my guess is correct about who would name themselves "D'ude".

M. is reading lots of webcomics and I think he comments on them regularly!

it was nice that zond7 came with me to portland. and i liked getting him to get new clothes.

Enjoying music. t'kay maidza is very good! listen to switch tape. very catchy!

I read a crapton of Tessa Dare and Eloisa Dare romance novels. They are not very taxing and they're often funny. Though sometimes they are too far on the dominant-male, slightly dubious consent side of things.

Read a kid's book called The Boy at the End of the World which I liked very much and will get for A. for xmas. post-apocalypse survival with a robot friend, a pygmy mammoth, and a giant mutant talking prairie dog with zap guns. It was pretty much perfect "middle-grade" sf adventure.

Read more of "Ra" which is a web serial science fiction alternate history where magic was discovered in 1970 and is sort of like computer science. It is hilarious in a particular way .... plot twist after plot twist.... mind blowing epiphanies about magic and reality and science.... and perfect techno-magic-babble that had me laughing uproariously.

Nov. 20th, 2014

action grrl

Good progress

More PT this week. I am successfully doing the sets of exercises every day.

I still have the flu, tired and vaguely sick, fever varying between 99 and 100, yet am functional. Way more functional than when I wasn't sick but was having a flare up of joint pain. As I think this over I am undoing some hidden levels of blaming myself and worrying that it's my fault or I am specially wimpy or malingering. It is obviously not my fault and I'm tough as nails.

Also maybe I am just not hit that hard by it since I did have a flu shot.

I went out for an hour to the HRDA office party (figuring not contagious if I've had this for nearly 2 weeks) then home again and to bed.

Tomorrow, beta 11 release (specially extended for a week) And then to pain/insomnia therapy and then I will chill out and have a nap. If i feel up to it will go to stef's party. Then swim on the weekend. If I can work up to 2-3 times a week consistently it will be amazing

The portland work week hotel for 1st week of december has a pool. I am going to resolve NOT to try to go out to dinner with people. if i can last the work week sitting up and paying attention and getting back and forth to the hotel it will be ok. d. is going with me and will just work from the hotel. that is amazingly comforting as I won't be stuck and without help if things go wrong physically. and he is super comforting and good to come home to.

I can't tell right this minute if my ankles are stretchy-good hurt or actually hurt. But i ache al over . the PT today was partly some sort of weird pilates machine . and like 20 miutes of lying there trying to move just my lower abdominal muscles, which I am still not sure actually exist. holy crap that was difficult and exhausting. but awesome.

Nov. 16th, 2014

action grrl

Still fevery

Still running a fever, taking it super easy, doing little bits of housework. I sorted out several armloads of books and filled up the little free library. Played Monument Valley new levels last night with Milo and then again by myself this morning.

I had a brief silly moment of wondering if I have listeria then realized that some sort of flu is more likely. Still it gave me pause and I thought some more about going off the Enbrel experimentally for, say, 6 months.

Read a couple of Tessa Dare romance novels and enjoyed them.

Not realy up to anything creative. It was all puttering and reading and resting. Very domestic.

I was ambitious to go to the hardware store and buy a large flowerpot for my philodendron in the living room and re-pot it, but realized this is unwise, I'm still too sick, maybe this is a situation where not pushing anything will keep the bronchitis away, or whatever.

I got myself a new pair of long underwear as I realize the REI sale extends to the online bit not just the store. And got milo a new pair of jeans off amazon. Levis 513 slim or the gap skinny ones fit him best. Last week he showed up wearing ada's black jeans that have black brocade-style roses all over them and he looked so fantastic. it was subtle, yet glam. he had not noticed that his pants were flowery. Somehow,he has ended up with more pants at his dad's house than here. How does this happen? He comes here in one pair of pants. He leaves in another. How? Maybe there was some point where he was packing to go on a trip, or camping; packed here and unpacked at his dad's.

Earlier this week while going up the hill for groceries I went to the kids' resale store and cruised it for pants for him. but came out with a red velvet dress for ada instead. this may be the very last moment of usefully using up my store credit there. The batch they are both wearing now is the top range of their sizes, so I can resell them and get credit and use it for my nephew... It was so handy to get them cheap clothes there. I'll miss it!

Nov. 13th, 2014

action grrl

Reading lots of fic!

I have been on a fic-reading kick this week. I read Born from the Earth, which I highly recommend! Will never think of Iron Man the same way again. It is so good!!!!!

Then went looking for anything either crossover or AU that has, well, anything I recognize in it, that is long enough to keep me occupied for an hour or so and that has good ratings (high number of kudos or comments) I could almost go watch or learn something about Teen Wolf just in order to read all this stuff. My search resulted in lots of Marvel and LOTR fic and some very odd Pern AU. Pernlock... OK! I don't even like Benedict whatever, but naturally, he improves with dragons, knife fights, and so on.

Missing delux who used to exchange all the silliest and most amazing of it with me.

Right now am in the middle of an epic rewrite of The Hobbit where Bilbo goes sort of back in time to live his life from age 50 onwards again to try and fix everything so that his friends don't die; it's very sweet.

Recommendations welcome! I am especially into novel length or series length works! Angst and drama ++!

Nov. 12th, 2014

action grrl

Adventure to the pool, feeling hopeful and determined

I have been walking around the house more and doing much better! Today I went to the warm pool over by the zoo where my new PT has a group session. Adventure out on the 23 bus. The pool staff I got to on the phone (2 different people) could not tell me anything about how to get there by bus, where the bus stops were, whether there were sidewalks or what.... Totally new concept I guess. It is partly a rehab pool and partly a place where people take their infants and toddlers for swim lessons. The bus ride was pleasant - not crowded and one of the old-style lower buses with the fold out ramp. The rehab/rec center is sort of a whole complex, like the nicest possible community rec center. there are gardens and gyms and other things like art rooms and i think maybe some domestic animals. So it is a place where if you live in a group home I think you get taken there by bus.

The pool was super super nice. it even has a window that looks out over the lake merced area. it was Actually Warm, over 90 degrees, and the entire room and locker rooms were also not uncomfortably cold for me. I have never experienced that outside of a spa. The PT was nice. The group was him, two of his surfer friends with injuries (one who is recovering from a high spine injury), an older guy with sciatica, and an older lady who has been going there for years and mostly hung onto the edge. I was so excited and happy to be able to move around well in the water and stay in for long enough for it to be worth the entire trip. (Unlike ymca where it is so cold i can't stay in very long) That said I would still love it to be EVEN WARMER. When i got out I started shivering and my teeth chattering though I wasn't uncomfortable in the pool. Maybe as I get more in shape I'll be less cold sensitive.

I did lots of work on gait and walking around, sideways, backwards, doing squats, and some sort of arm lift with a kickboard that strengthens your core muscles. I had great trouble keeping my back in the right posture but finally could feel how it should be. I have forgotten how to walk right and be correctly upright. My pelvis just doesn't want to do it. Weird. I found this unexpectedly upsetting. It felt amazing to be exercising though.

As I was leaving the locker room filled up with old ladies with obvious bad hips or knees and they were very nice and cheery. i could maybe eventually go to their class. I started crying though a few times over today. I had complicated feelings as it pointed up to me that my situation kind of sucks. There were like 30 women older than me hobbling around with canes but they all walked into that complex somehow from a car or bus, went up a hill or a ramp and (harde than it sounds) got undressed and were prepared to do it all again in reverse. I could imagine 3 years ago before my ankles blew out that I could have daringly parked close and walked in, maybe. Now I can't imagine that and wouldn't be able to do it in the manual chair either. I guess the old ladies in my comparable situation might not have had the resources to get to the pool at all. But, the ones who were there, I can't keep up with them. I know it isn't about compareing yourself to anyone, but because I stick to the same routines.... sometimes some of these things aren't obvious to me.

i woudl like to go to this pool as often as possible !!!!!!

I am dreaming of being able to take a month or even 2 off work (i woudl totally do it unpaid leave) and swim every single day. But, what if I did this, and then fucked myself up worse, or, without it being my fault had some sort of flareup and then was off work and still unable to rehab properly? I think I could do it though. Even if I messed it up I would still be stronger and maybe my bad leg would not go off the rails so often. i thought of all the times i have been on medical leave or been super messed up and not been working. always, as soon as possible I was working again (or, in school and working part time) I think there were a couple of months in 2002 or so when i didn't ahve work, still had childcare full time, and drove around and wrote a lot of poetry. Other than that I have never been able to make the space to do lots of PT.

i am still super healthy1 which is so lucky. like my cholesterol and blood sugar and blood pressure and organs and everything work fine. well except my stomach. other organs fine. i should swim all the fucking time!!!

it was glorious to walk around and feel my legs do al the things. i am sore now but didn't damage anything. it is like actual muscles being used sore. tomorrow wil be v. stiff. nothing is spasming, popping, or grinding, or feeling "stuck" (I'm looking at you, right big toe) . other than my bad leg nerve thing, which isn't any worse than it was yesterday or this morning. buzz buzz.

my book The Pain Survival Guide: How to Reclaim Your Life, which I am halfway through and like very much, has a chapter where it reminds us that our pain is not interesting to anyone but ourselves and we should not talk about it all the time and not complain. Other than this chapter the book is brilliant. on the other other hand, other than here or to Danny I don't go around describing my pain. I don't think. i have tons of other kinds of conversations and listen to people a lot. danny says he does not mind and we can commiserate on our ailments and i certainly talk with him about other things too. so, good. and, take that, pain survival guide.

I felt very grimly determined but also this time, more hopeful than usual that I can make the effort and stick with it, at least once or twice a week. maybe then take a month off in the early spring and try to strengthen up? is this an unthinkable plan? i will ask my doctor what he thinks in a few weeks. i know i can't take medical leave to do this because obviously, I Can Work. i thnk that i will work much longer in my life in general if I take time out and successfully strengthen up.

Oct. 15th, 2014

action grrl

Reading A Time of Gifts

Great stuff. I'm on the second book. More later!!

Oct. 11th, 2014

action grrl

"Stay safe"

I get somewhat annoyed when I see people saying "stay safe". What the hell people? Is the point of life to stay safe? Since when?! Especially weird when saying it to women who get death threats on Twitter. What are the suppposed to do to stay safe? Go into hiding? I mean, I've seen several people DO that. I fucking refuse to ever do that. Seriously fuck it.

Also weirdly irksome, when people say it to journalists going into war zones. I know what people mean is, I hope you come back ok from this. Still, if they were planning on staying safe they wouldn't go into a war zone to report from the front lines.

Annoying recent fad of language. I don't think I ever heard anyone say "stay safe" before about ... maybe 10 years ago, maybe less. When I hear it I hear a double message of "I'm worried about you" and "Be afraid and in fact I'm judging on you right now for not being afraid and behaving cowardly enough and whatever happens to you is your own fault"

Curmudgeonishly, me.

Oct. 10th, 2014

action grrl

The smell of wealth

In a book I'm reading right now (the dragons in Detroit one) the protagonist notices "the smell of wealth" as he joins a horrible sibling for dinner. apparently the smell of wealth in this fancy restaurant is hardwood and truffle oil. Fair enough. I suddenly wondered what the smell of wealth would be or not be for different people.

Things that are definitely not the smell of wealth:
* Pine-sol
* Patchouli
* Feet smelling carpet in the YMCA dressing room
* Those air freshener candles in the gross smelling aisle at the drug store

Add your own to this list. It has a lot of potential.

I then had a memory not for the first time of this amazing lady I used to work with. We didn't work together directly, but were acquaintances from different departments and I would be around in her in various work contexts. She was a couple levels of hierarchy up from me. Once at dinner I was suddenly struck by realizing she was wearing like, a super simple sheath dress and some sandals and nothing else noticable, with her air in a ponytail. But she looked wealthy in a way I could not fathom. Why did she look like she was sort of burnished and definitely rich. It came down to I think, plastic surgeries, and super white teeth, and years of very regular spa visits. Like she must have got not just her hair cut every week but had the full run of things that can happen to you in a day spa/salon (a thing i was only dimly aware of at the time. ) She absolutely glowed. Nothing was out of control or out of place and she also projected an air of being extremely relaxed. She was also *nice* all the time. It was very odd. Her simple dress was also very structured and perfectly tailored to her. If you look around in the world, most 60 year old people don't look like that. I think celebrities must do this high level of work to look super polished. (this was near L.A. so she wasn't the only one to look like this) to me that is what wealthy looks like. They look like perfect dolls of humans. It isn't even the amount of consistent long term labor that goes into it. It's like the lifetime of never dropping that labor. And being really relaxed and comfortable because of leisure, at the same time. It was just their normal. It goes so far beyond a regular person's dressing up for an occasion (like, you can't get there by just doing your hair.)

Middle class people (when I'm definitely in middle class landia and not strange silicon valley land where different signifiers hold true) look like the current season's mall clothes. This is unmistakeable. Most of the people getting off a plane from Dallas or Houston will be wearing a current Mall from head to toe and it won't be more than 6 months old, not a fray or an inkstain.

This has been my painkiller fueled ramble of the day. You're welcome.

Oct. 7th, 2014

action grrl

Spoilery bits about Stray and Lab Rat One

I am now on book 3 of this fabulous SF series. Miserable interdimensional castaway ingenue meets psychic teenage space ninjas! There are space cat ghosts! All the exclamation points! It's ridiculous in a very pleasing way.

Spoilers below.

Read more...Collapse )

Sep. 30th, 2014

action grrl

reality bites

Worked myself up to deciding to just like POWER THROUGH and go on this two week trip to mexico city and bogotá yesterday, started planning. My one moment leaving the house was 15 horribly painful minutes scootering to the mailbox and 2 blocks beyond to test. I could not take sitting up and the rumbling of the sidewalk on my wheels. I have a new (ish) intense/ dull/ sometimes sharp pain in my lower spine, separate from the sacroiliac pain. In theory the steroid burst might kick in over the next few days or week. But I can't face the pain of travel, trying to keep up, managing to get food and going to sit up in offices and stuff and be around strange people trying to front while in this much pain.

Super sad to miss this trip and miss out on meeting new interesting people and participating and throwing in my 2 cents and being feminist power for good etc.

it is going to be embarrassing to call off my trip 1 day after saying to everyone at work that i am doing it.

Benefits (glad game style):
* some double union events i would have otherwise missed (and... frankly might still miss, it still takes me heroic effort to go out, i gotta front tomorrow and then thurs. night if i want to go to pioneer awards, which i do)
* 2 weekends with milo i woud have missed.
* infinite take out food
* uber cabs to places at tip of fingers
* will invite friends to come over
* will not be in in the rain at 7000 feet in bogota or like trying to scooter over cobblestones or some dumb shit like that
* Not like fucking up at my job or losing my job or having to go on disability.
* maybe i will take a day off and work on some poems or a new translation to cheer myself. if it is possible while i'm in this much pain.

OK peace out, i am sad and upset and full of grief.

Not getting younger or any better.

Sad that my ankles were maybe hopeful for a couple of months there and i was starting to almost believe they could " get better" at least a few more notches and enjoying driveing and now I have pretty much no faith in that. Since I have a degenerative arthritis thing and my tendons are like turning into calcified dysfunctional whatever.

Worrying that i will not be able to keep up with 6 weeks of Beta rapid release at work. As usual, I will crap out during the moment of highest stress and crucialness. I have warned my boss about this likelihood a few times. Also, i am very annoyed this is happning right as i was asking for a level up.

Time to shoot up some enbrel for all the fucking good that will do. how can i tell if it is helping or not? fuck.

goal today: less painkiller, but more steady painkiller. had half a tramadol on waking up. Will take another half now. I did the same yesterday but endedu p taking codeine at night. Decreased night neurontin to 300 and ambien to 5mg over last couple of days, i thnk successfully (sleep quality still decent)

Sep. 24th, 2014

action grrl

Prednisone o'clock

Girding my loins to take some prednisone!
I had half of one last night (I think they are 10mg) and I have about a week of them.

I predict this will fill me with energy and make some of my joint pain/exhaustion better but not fix my ankles because, fucking ankles.

We'll see.

Sep. 23rd, 2014

action grrl

Doctor visit - ankle report

Exhausted even getting there. Totally running on fumes. Dr. F. was very nice, as always. I talked about being in mid-flareup and my ankles especially losing function and being extremely painful.

I am back to wearing the walking boots, but it is difficult to get around the house or stand up (or sit up, really, for long) even with the boots on. I am also wearing the night boots. They are sort of intense but they clearly work. I can't tolerate them all night.

He said I should be in the ankle boots for at least 6-8 weeks. Bummer. Ankles are slow. Mine never healed up but I thought since they were feeling a bit better and I was driving, walking with a full stride and pushing off with my foot properly, that maybe they would get better. Then I told him that I worry it is my fault. But since it seems like an over all joint pain flare up that is probably silly. He said it is autoimmune and not my fault. I still feel like it is my fault even if that is irrational.

Dr. F. said my ankle MRIs from last fall showed damage. I think the ankles got a bit eclipsed by my stomach issues in the late fall and I was also switching doctors. So I heard about one ankle but not the other and no one including me really followed up. The MRIs showed moderate achilles tendinosis and posterior tibial tenosynovitis. The right ankle has some longitudinal tears. Cysts at the insertion point (achilles) And cysts in the heel bone.

I felt some odd relief that there is outside confirmation that there is a problem other than my saying that I am in horrible pain and can't walk right. I worry about the cysts in the bone. Shouldn't they do something about them or like check on them? Can they be fixed? Could this be the cause of some of my pain? Should they MRI it again and see what's going on? Can I get the nitroglycerin patches that they say have a promising chance of actually healing tendinosis damage?

Dr. F. is referring me to an orthopedist who specializes in ankles and he apologized for not following up earlier and was super nice.

We talked about pain and sleep. He advised me to keep on with the tramadol and tylenol and not be shy about just taking it all day. He gave me gabapentin for night time which I can take with ambien, from 300 - 900 mg to help with pain and waking up at night. Also, lidocaine patches which I've never had before. The lidoderm patches are rad. I cut up two of them and plastered them on my ankles, wrists (by the thumb -- always super painful for me) and the horrible spot on the outside of my right calf where I seem to have some nerve damage (peroneal nerve) Lidoderm is awesome.

He didn't know that ankle stuff like this is associated with seronegative arthritis (along with sacroiliac issues). I promised to send him some review papers.

I got much better sleep last night and am going to be working from bed for as long as I can manage it today.

Fluctuating between Mostly OK and small bouts of terrified crying. At least I know this time around how to manage. Also, I went to Vienna in the snow by myself in a manual chair with these fucking boots. So I can go to colombia and mexico in them too. I will give MozFest a miss though, sadly.

I am crying with frustration over losing driving, which I was enjoying. I drove across town to Dogpatch and went to some cafes to work a couple of weeks ago by myself and enjoyed it a lot. I drove with my friend Eileen 5 minutes away to my storage space and we worked on stuff. And I drove me and Danny and the kids to Fort Funston (15 min drive with no traffic) which was lovely. And I drove the first 20 minutes or so of going to Monterey with my dad, and then the stretch over Highway 17 in the dark because he was freaking out and I have driven it a hundred times even if it was years ago, so I am blase about 17 in the dark. I was very much enjoying driving by myself with loud music going all around me. The 80s and punk/ska CDs were the best along with the twee/pop/punk stuff like Los Campesinos. OK. I now can't even drive it across the street to repark it. There is no way. So I'm sad. It feels worth saving the car though. In 6 months Milo can do drivers ed and get his learners permit as he will be 15. Then he can drive me places. Aw yeah.

Glad I got to drive a bit and that I went to the beach with Val and also that I did the whale watching (which is the thing I keep blaming myself for along with driving, but i thought maybe the whale watching boat ride loosened up a lot of things/scar tissue...But I'm glad anyway)

Sep. 18th, 2014

action grrl

Return of neurontin

Took a slightly old gabapentin last night out of total desperation. It went ok. It did its nerve pain relief thing. A relief and yet then i was twitchy and weepy feeling and did not like the side effects. Which thankfully just turned into falling alseep and staying asleep instead of waking up in pain a lot of times. Yay? I still felt in less pain in the morning too. Half a tramadol + tylenol + some coffee (bad idea for stomach, but so helpful) NOw I am back home from the Mountain View office on the couch and still able to work but the pain is very distracting and I am close to the edge of Not Able to Work. I realize this means I need to cool my jets completely for a bit. But I want to go to back to school night. One more thing tonight and then I will cool it for days and days I swear to god. Too much pain. I am making an appointment to renew my Medical Use card and another with my regular doctor to talk about help for worsening ankle(s) and general pain control for my upcoming trip in October. I don't see how I could get through it without serious pain meds at least for night time. I am at the point where I will go beg my doctor for pain drugs, a thing I very much do not like to do. Will work for oxycontin. OK. I find these status updates helpful to look back on someetimes when I forget (near instantly once I bounce out of it) that I just recently had a bout of difficult impairment/pain/whatever. Goal: intervene and stop myself before I hit some sort of rock bottom.

I really don't want to go on nerve pain/ssris long term, it was pretty horrible for me even if it worked for pain. Maybe would consider doing it for a horrible month or two though. Effexor sounds like the pits but it is what the pain clinic recommended i think. Its side effects sound more horrible than cymbalta, which was intolerable.... :(

OR... maybe this leg pain is temporary from the injection and will feel better in a few days. fingers crossed?!

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